lol iono i just started this thing cuz of amie..... iono i just find it fun readin wut she has to say and wut she wuz thinkin durring those times she wrote..... well everythings been just priti cool... i've just been strugglin with my faith. Not so much that i question it its just that its hard for me to live a true christian life. i know wut God wants for me nd i know wut he doesnt want of me. And yet i dont know why it is its so frikin hard for me to listen... i mean i keep tellin God im sorry and keep askin him to forgive me for how i live my life but its just iono sometimes i dont even want his forgiveness or feel like saying sorry to him.... not cuz im not sorry ... its just i dont feel like i deserve to be forgiven ya know?? i dont deserve to even talk to him.... i mean its soooo hard because i know im supposed to confess to him and everything but how can you when you feel so unworthy ya know?? You know wut i worry about?? when Jesus comes again where am i gonna go?? is God gonna once again be sooo gracious to me and forgive me and take me.... or will h e finally get tired of my sinful ways and decide i should be left here on earth with the rest of the people ??? I also get worried about those im closest too ya know?? its like i wanna spend eternity with all my close friends... and it kills me not knowing how their relationship with God is ... I wanna see them in heaven .... but i mean i guess thats why I write blogs.... in hope that my friends will read it and actually think about their faith and actually want to accept Jesus as their savior and realize that this life here on earth is nothing.... life is a preperation for your after life... how are you living you're life?? i wanna see allll of u in heaven argh sometimes i feel like talking to those im closest to about got but i guess im scared of rejection... nd am scared you wont wanna talk to me... like rob... rob i love you but talking about our faith isnt the easiest thing for me to do... because i dont exactly know where ur at... i guess i get concerned cuz see dont get mad its just that you dont xactly live a christian life... nd u know wut neither do I... and thats why i wanna work on it with you.... i wanna grow in christ but how can we do that when we keep on sining and having a lustful relationship... i know i start it a lot of the time nd im sorry but i did admit to u that its a problem... iono im really stuck but i want both of us to go to heaven..... iono wen imma tell all this to you rob but i'll save it here till i feel like i can tell you that its really bothering me... i lov eyou with all my heart and love to kiss you and stuff dont get me wrong because wen ever i talk about this stuff u tend to think that i totally dont want any contact with u at all but thats not the case ok i hope you understand....
well thats all for now the baby is cryin once again... ses growin big nd strong nd beaUUUUTIFUL...
as for my stressing... im not stressing so much ne more.... i think iono i guess i realized m the only onw who can help myself.... i realized im not gonna get more help then i am rite now cuz its just too hard to get help due to my sistuation of not being able to drive nd rob not having a car nd my dad bein an asswhole at times nd my mom too tired to drive or nething.... iono ahhh i dont wannna cry so im outs.....
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
GOIN FRIKIN CRAZY AHHHHHHHHh
hey its me again.... stressed out tired and just iono BLAH thats the word to explain how i feel... not that the joys of motherhood aren't there its just that just like with school work and all sorts of things you do get tired. I love my leila but yes i am tired and wish i had a moment to myself. Just some time to just THINK!!! I just need a break... only thing is wen i do get i break all i do is worry bout leila... so basically I still dont get a break...
leila is getting more and more beautiful each day she is just starting to get around... i wouldnt call wut she does crawling... its more of a combat crawl its adorable.... She seems to be learning more and more things each day.... her personallity changed a lot... shes not as crabby as she wuz before (thank God) lol she has a sense of humor and is startinf to laugh at things she things is funny... shes ticklish wen you kis her neck and armpits hahaha... shes a monster though she likes to roar at things... wen left alone she tends to babble on and on like she actually knows wut shes sayin.. she just started eating cherrios and SHE LOVES IT! last night she slept through the whole night woot woot... only thing though is i kept waking up on my own thinking i didnt hear her cry... so yet again.... no sleep..
Am i sleep deprived HELLLLL YAAAAA lol but im getting used to it i guess... i guess i finally realised that this is how its gonna be for a VERY VERY long time....
LOl i am such a girl.... wut do i mean by that?? well i still fantisize about my wedding and wut not... LOl today in class i pictured ways that i would be proposed by robert... lol iono im a real romantic.. but i try not to get my hopes up though ... i mean i am happy as long as we dooo get married hahaha but i do still think about MY DREAM WEDDING HAHA ... i always pictured a nice sunny day a beautiful senery with flowers everywhere RED ofcourse... nd me pulling up in a white beautiful carrige pulled by beautiful white horses. My dress would be sexy but classy at the same time leila would be the flower grl nd josh would be the ring barrer (iono how to spell that ll) a honeymoon in hawaii and a brand new two story hosue somewhere in a cute lil peaceful non-ghetto neighborhood LOL
i catn wait till the day i get help with takin care of lei.... not from my rents though cuz shes my daughter nd my responsibitlity so i dont feel i should put wut im responsible for on them ya know?? i have a lot of pride too i guess...i dont want them payin for nething for her... cuz im not a charity case... nd im the parent im the one whose supposed to provide for her ...
well neways im tired ...outzzz
leila is getting more and more beautiful each day she is just starting to get around... i wouldnt call wut she does crawling... its more of a combat crawl its adorable.... She seems to be learning more and more things each day.... her personallity changed a lot... shes not as crabby as she wuz before (thank God) lol she has a sense of humor and is startinf to laugh at things she things is funny... shes ticklish wen you kis her neck and armpits hahaha... shes a monster though she likes to roar at things... wen left alone she tends to babble on and on like she actually knows wut shes sayin.. she just started eating cherrios and SHE LOVES IT! last night she slept through the whole night woot woot... only thing though is i kept waking up on my own thinking i didnt hear her cry... so yet again.... no sleep..
Am i sleep deprived HELLLLL YAAAAA lol but im getting used to it i guess... i guess i finally realised that this is how its gonna be for a VERY VERY long time....
LOl i am such a girl.... wut do i mean by that?? well i still fantisize about my wedding and wut not... LOl today in class i pictured ways that i would be proposed by robert... lol iono im a real romantic.. but i try not to get my hopes up though ... i mean i am happy as long as we dooo get married hahaha but i do still think about MY DREAM WEDDING HAHA ... i always pictured a nice sunny day a beautiful senery with flowers everywhere RED ofcourse... nd me pulling up in a white beautiful carrige pulled by beautiful white horses. My dress would be sexy but classy at the same time leila would be the flower grl nd josh would be the ring barrer (iono how to spell that ll) a honeymoon in hawaii and a brand new two story hosue somewhere in a cute lil peaceful non-ghetto neighborhood LOL
i catn wait till the day i get help with takin care of lei.... not from my rents though cuz shes my daughter nd my responsibitlity so i dont feel i should put wut im responsible for on them ya know?? i have a lot of pride too i guess...i dont want them payin for nething for her... cuz im not a charity case... nd im the parent im the one whose supposed to provide for her ...
well neways im tired ...outzzz
A movie stars life...
Its so funny because ever since i wuz little i dreamt of my own fairy tale movie life... ya know??? my life in a movie... I guess thats why my life is how it is... I always want there to be a story... I guess th ats why throughout alll the pain and everything... I believe i made all that drama myself... weird isnt it??
all those people "i dont like" all those break ups?? all my doing.... why beacuse I wanted a story....
I live everyday as if i were being watched by thousands of viewers.... when actually its just my imagination playing on me...
to me my dreams at night and my everyday life are tv worthy.... and yet its never going to happen...
sometimes i think if only the whole world new my story... if only the wholllleeee world watched my life....
its funny because sometimes i wonder wut other peoples lives are like... sometimes I wonder wut their movie is all about...
I guess thats why i love to talk... i love to talk about me... concieted much no i just want my story out there but wut for??? i dont know
movies facinate me... they pull me into a world i wish i had... with drama love and happy endings...Sometimes i wish people knew wut i wuz thinking...
This is why i write in things like LJ... but the thing is i decided to be just totally honest in this thing thats why im not letting anyone know that this LJ exists cept for rob ya know... because i want to be totally honest... and how can i do that with other onlookers ya KNOW????
I've always dreaaaammmed of being on tv... on others watching me... but with so many others with the same dream... i feeel that it will never become a reality.....i meani wuz born with a superstar name... valerie victoria vedar... duhh lol that equals stardom lol
ever since i wuz little all i remember is everyone likeing me.....
i remember the first 5 years in school were soo awesome and just sooo real ... i never had to impress anyone I was just me.... everyone liked me for me... i wuz always in the spot light and everyone always seemed to want to be my friend....xcept for this one year a beautiful 4th grader came to school chassy...BEfore she came...all the guys liked me nd crushed on me...b4 she came i wuz the one that everyone wanted to be best friends with... then she came.... she had beautiful long black hair and a perfect smile... not to mention she was a hawaiian dancer and performed a hawaiian dance infront of the school and after that ALLL the guys talked about her... i remember likeing her but at the same time hating her.....i dont know why that happens.... i guess its cuz she was such a nice person so i liked her but...at the same time she stole my thunder and hated her.
after that my social life in elementary school kind of went down....
not to mention the people who didnt like me more like were jealous of me finally got their chance to say wut they wanted to say about me wen alison boyd started to talk about me... soon after that the people who were jealous of my like milani and other stupid grls....started to join her little group...
for somereason people were drawn to her picking on me then she had formed a group of people who lived to make fun of me... everyday i would sit by myself because even my best friend left me because i wuz no longer in the spot light... i remember being so embarassed because one day my mom came to visit me at lunch and she saw me sitting by myself at a lunch table... she sat next to me and asked y i wuz sitting by myself and i told her its cuz i wanted to.... but she knew later on cuz wen i got home i told her... well while i wuz telling my mom that at lunch i looked over to alison and her group of friends and they all smirked at me and laughed... that hurt me... i even wanted to trasfer schools but i decided to stay...
even in the sixth grade her and her group made fun of me... jarrett fleming noopur mandel daniel ritz (iono how to spell their names..) courtney hordike brianna fonseca jennifer i forgot her last name...even lisa maye and czarina... for two years i delt with that... my only friends were diana chavez and krista fitero....
i'll never forget how bad i would wish they would die or sometimes i wish that i would.... i remember trying to be invinsible.... not literally but just be quiet and sit by myself just hoping they wouldnt pick on me that day.... but it never worked.... they all would choose something about me that wuz wrong to point out... it made me feel ugly..
i felt ugly all the time... they made fun of my legs my outfits...that wuznt the only reason i felt ugly... i felt ugly because wen ever i would go to filipino parties they'd always tell vanessa how grown up and beautiful she looked.... and would ignore me... it got so bad to the point where i would just walk past everyone and not say hi and find a quiet little room where i could just play games on my little race care game thing...
I felt so ugly... then one year i went to the philipines and i guess i matured and my face changed a lot... my hair was perfect.... and guys started to notice me... then wen i would go to parties they would all say WOW VALERIE ur so priti.... that wuz the only time ne one noticed me.... they only noticed me wen i wuz priti..
i soon went on to jr high....and i felt some strange need to feel priti....so i would do everything to get attention... and i did... i got lots of attention... all of a sudden random people started introducing themselves to me... i felt so special.... then i met jennifer lee... she seemed so eager to meet me and hang out with me...We soon hit it off and became friends... we were so thigh i mean we never left each others side..... she soon introduced me to guys from her old school mary bragg that wanted to meet me cuz they though i wuz priti or something.... days went by and everyone knew me and i made sooo many friends.... then jenn told me that jared liked me... now i knew jared from milani who didnt like me... they were cousins... i saw him haning with some people and wen i looked at him his friend looked at me too....
soon jared approached me and asked me to be his girlfriend... i wuz soo shy...wen we would sit next to each other durring lunch and stuff i would be so nervous wen he would hold me and stuff and i felt so uncomfortable... we never kissed or nething... he soon lost interest in me... and started walk away wen i would walk near him... i didnt understand... i wuz sorta stupid and thought that i would stay with the first boyfriend i ever got with forever... i wuz heartbroken wen we broke up... because i didnt understand.... i didnt feel like i did nething wrong...but apparently its cuz i wuz too innocent...we had our first kiss on the lips at jennifers birthday party it wuz a set up... lol then he asked me out once again... then once again he blew me off and dodged my kisses.. i didnt understand wut i did wrong again... then he broke my heart a second time... then once again we got bak together.... its sooo funny because all these guys were talking about 69 and all this sex stuff and i didnt even know wut they meant... and i think they thought is wuz funny i didnt know wut they meant.. so they would come up to me and say stuff like ... do u spit or swollow... and i wuz soooo confused .... they would say do u like 69 and i would just stare at them all confused and they'd laugh.... and i remember anthony would come up to me and speak spanish and say chupa sumthin sumthing... I didnt even know wut the word boner meant... cuz i remember i would dance like all the other grls at dances.. all freaky nd sexy nd stuff... then tony valdez wuz like dont dance like that infront of me... cuz i get all excited .... and i didnt understand... and then i forgot his name but he used to like me... the grls were talkin to me and were all like...eww did u know that he got suspended for wackin off i just laughed but i didnt understand... i admited this to jenn cuz she wuz my best friend and she explained all of it... it wuz so shockin to me i never knew about this stuff ya know??? well ne ways... me nd jenn went to the mall one day and ran into some guys... they liked me and one asked me out a-ron... i liked the attention so i said ya... but the james fortunato called and said that jared wanted to get bak with me... i didnt know wut to do so i called jenn and she told me to get bak with jared and dump a-ron or A-ronic now wuz pissed off at me and didnt wannna talk to me.... then i did and the thing is it turned me into something i wuznt... i wanted jared to be into me... and actually stay with me this time... and so i became a freak a leak cuz thats wut he liked.... then he wated to break up with me again... th is broke my heart again cuz he started to call me a bitch and a hoe and stuff like that and i didnt understand.... but then jj told me he did that so that i would break up with him... and so i did... broken hearted i wanted revenge and so i went out with jj (his best friend) and tore their friendship apart.... mean yes... but wut could i do i wuz mad and sooo depressed i would cry my eyes out every night...
then jenn told everyone that i callled her ugly and stupid... and she made me look like a bitch... and everyone started to not like me... we were on the basketball team and she told our team members that i said that the coach wouldnt let her play cuz she sucked and that i wuz way better at it so thats y he let me play every game... so the team would purposely be mean to me... throw stuff at me nd stuff.... then she turned the fob 5 agaiinst me... to the point where wen we were all walking in the hallway wen we reached a poll vickie tried to push me into it...one day jenn wuz cryin in the bathroom and i wuz very concerned so i ran to the bathroom i asked her y she wuz crying... and she told me amie krystle and vickie that her dad abused her.... and i wuz shocked i felt so bad for her.... she said she had bruises alll over her body and all over her legs.... and i felt so bad i told her to call me any time she felt he would beat her up and call me so i could run to her house even though she lived far walking distance... and that day we had a cross country meet... i came in fourth she came in 6th but told everyone she got fourth place... then i noticed there were no bruses on her legs... but thought nothing of it.... then that day after school she hit up my cell... and she sounded like she wuz gonna cry.... and i asked her wut wuz wrong and she said that her dad wuz about to beat her up and that if i ran over there he wouldnt beat her up infront of me... and so i lied to my mom and said that she needed heklp with her homework and so I RAN as fast as i could all the way to her house... i wuz so worried... she wuz there playing with her little cousin and she said ooo he just left... and so once again i thought nothing of it... and she told me to stay for a while.... and i did cuz i told my mom i wuz helpin her and didnt want to turn up home already .... and then about 30 mins later her boyfriend louie from faye ross came over ... and she told her grandma that he wuz my brother... so that he could stay.... thats wen i realised y she called me there.... not because she wuz gonna get hurt... but so that she could do stuff with her boyfriend... i wuz just there... with her lil cousin in the hallways waiting... while her nd louie were locked in her room doing god knows wut... i felt so used and mad... but didnt say anything cuz we were friends...then one day i had had enough of her lies about me and her ruining my rep and friendships with everyone....so on my b-day i invited lots of people to my birthday cept her... she heard about it and gave me a present so that i would feel bad and invite her... but i didnt... after people found out we werent best friends anymore ...grls from mary bragg confronted me and told me that jenn wuz like that with every bestfriend she had... they told me they didnt want to tell me cuz they knew i wouldnt believe them.... she made me seem like a bitch and that i can never get bak...
well my love life after jared wuz rock... i always wanted to have a boyfriend cuz i like the attention i got wen i did have one... everyone sayin OOO grl ur with so and sooo grl hes hot... then we'd have sum dramatic break up and i wuz left alone... again.... one memorable relationship i had wuz with brian lee...
i thought he wuz so nice and sweet cuz hed call me and buy me stuffed animals all the time...then came my birthday... he comes over bringing me a finding nemo dolland i thought that wuz sweet... we went into the bathroom cuz all my friends were there and i didnt want them to watch me nd my boyfriend making out....so we were making out in my bathroom wen he pulled out his dick... and i said no i just wanna kiss you the he said NO come on its ur birthday just suck it ... and i said now stop ...then he said do it come on.... and so i tried to push off of him but he grabbed my arms and it hurt... he pulled me close to him and i struggled so hard to break free... i wuz so scared.... then finally i pushed off and openend the dorr and yelled at him to get the fuck out of my house... then he put his pants on and got out... i stayed in the bathroom and started to cry... i cried only a little cuz my friends were outside and i didnt wanna tell them wut happend.... after that i felt so weird everytime someone got near me... i would freak out and yell at them to get away from me... i told donne wut wuz up and she told me that if it really botherd me i should tell someone... but i just couldnt...
another time this happend wuz with brian lee...i thought he really liked me... but apparently i wuz just his bitch... he would act like he really liked me but then wen his friends would come by hed throw my hand... and say no thats not my gf... but wen we were alone hed call me that...then one day he picked me up and we went to his house but he told me we were gonna go chill at ctc... then wen we got to his house we started to make out in his room... his friends were in the living room drinking.... then..............he took off my pants and then quickly put on a condom... and then ya.... it hurt i hated it... it made me scream and i wanted him off it hurt so bad......luckily his friend called him and he stopped... i left right away and wuz so confused... but he walked me home... and was very sweet to me again....and he kissed me goodbye and asked me to go to sadies with him... he paid for sadies and everything.... he took me but ignored me... all his friends were there but i wuz by myself... he left me alone and ignored me.... his friends were mean and made fun of me.. i wuz miserable.... he wouldnt hold my hand but then he would wen no one wuz looking.... then he wanted to go sit off to this area where no one was.. he wuz tired cuz he had work the next morning so we just sat together on a bench at knotts... i tried to kiss him but he ignored me and wuz silent... i asked him wuts wrong??he said "nothing"and so i just sat there with him... quiet..... after that night... he stopped talking to me.... i wuz devistated he took my virginity and then broke my heart... i wanted revenge...... but didnt know how to get it.... but i went out with tommy after that just cuz i needed someone.... i didnt really like him... but i had a broken heart and wuz tired of crying about the whole brian thing...cuz i cried about loosing my virginity for about id say 6 months everynight...before bed id cry myself to sleep...feeling so stupid.........
i got with tommy after just meeting him.... i didnt care i didnt know a thing about him... but i needed someone to get my mind off of the whole situation.... so i got with him....and i stopped crying every night cuz i had someone to talk to....everyone was saying i wouldnt last long with him...and they were right.... if they hadnt said that i would just break up with him withing 2 months i prolly would have.... but i wanted to prove them alll wrong ...and soooooo i stayed with him even though he was annoying and dorky..... i remember wanting to go out with julius... like really bad... he noticed me and started to flirt with me.... i liked it.... but then again couldnt dump tommy just out of nowhere not to mention after he started to talk to me tommy and eric got into a fight... i wuz PISSED OFF... not cuz they beat him up... he deserved that.... cuz he wuznt no crip i knew that lol he deserved that beating... well neways... i wuz pissed off cuz nick patel went up to me and laughed at me the next day so i cussed at him all pissed ... but wah ever thennn iono i knew i couldnt just break up with tommy cuz he wuznt bad to me at all and soooo i cheated on him... iono i didnt want it ne more...
i liked guys after that... mostly freshies... but never went out with them because of raden... he messed with my mind... he called me hung out with me flirted with me but stayed with his lil grlfriend... and i hated that... pissed me off and it wuznt worth it... cuz if a guy doesnt give up the grl they like for me then they aint worth it..
then after i started to like rob... love it u know the rst hes sexy we're together and we're gonna be for the rest of our lives... i feel so different about rob then i do neone else.....i love him and always will ... i cant live without him hes this specail part of me that i'll never be able to let go. HEs the love of my life and i cant be happier... im so glad i met him =)
the love i have for him makes all my past experiences nothing...even though at times i wuz hurt...and forced to do things... those things dont matter anymore because he loves me nd i love him...andddddddd I cant wait till we live to gether and get married... the day we get married... will most likely be the happiest day of my life... the other happiest dat of my life wus seeing leila for the first time and my first kiss with rob hehe that night wuz frikin the best.....i wuz so happy he finally wanted to kiss me because i've been wanting to kiss him ever since that day we ditched school and went to ronalds house... hahaha well im tired... so good nite!!!!!!!!
all those people "i dont like" all those break ups?? all my doing.... why beacuse I wanted a story....
I live everyday as if i were being watched by thousands of viewers.... when actually its just my imagination playing on me...
to me my dreams at night and my everyday life are tv worthy.... and yet its never going to happen...
sometimes i think if only the whole world new my story... if only the wholllleeee world watched my life....
its funny because sometimes i wonder wut other peoples lives are like... sometimes I wonder wut their movie is all about...
I guess thats why i love to talk... i love to talk about me... concieted much no i just want my story out there but wut for??? i dont know
movies facinate me... they pull me into a world i wish i had... with drama love and happy endings...Sometimes i wish people knew wut i wuz thinking...
This is why i write in things like LJ... but the thing is i decided to be just totally honest in this thing thats why im not letting anyone know that this LJ exists cept for rob ya know... because i want to be totally honest... and how can i do that with other onlookers ya KNOW????
I've always dreaaaammmed of being on tv... on others watching me... but with so many others with the same dream... i feeel that it will never become a reality.....i meani wuz born with a superstar name... valerie victoria vedar... duhh lol that equals stardom lol
ever since i wuz little all i remember is everyone likeing me.....
i remember the first 5 years in school were soo awesome and just sooo real ... i never had to impress anyone I was just me.... everyone liked me for me... i wuz always in the spot light and everyone always seemed to want to be my friend....xcept for this one year a beautiful 4th grader came to school chassy...BEfore she came...all the guys liked me nd crushed on me...b4 she came i wuz the one that everyone wanted to be best friends with... then she came.... she had beautiful long black hair and a perfect smile... not to mention she was a hawaiian dancer and performed a hawaiian dance infront of the school and after that ALLL the guys talked about her... i remember likeing her but at the same time hating her.....i dont know why that happens.... i guess its cuz she was such a nice person so i liked her but...at the same time she stole my thunder and hated her.
after that my social life in elementary school kind of went down....
not to mention the people who didnt like me more like were jealous of me finally got their chance to say wut they wanted to say about me wen alison boyd started to talk about me... soon after that the people who were jealous of my like milani and other stupid grls....started to join her little group...
for somereason people were drawn to her picking on me then she had formed a group of people who lived to make fun of me... everyday i would sit by myself because even my best friend left me because i wuz no longer in the spot light... i remember being so embarassed because one day my mom came to visit me at lunch and she saw me sitting by myself at a lunch table... she sat next to me and asked y i wuz sitting by myself and i told her its cuz i wanted to.... but she knew later on cuz wen i got home i told her... well while i wuz telling my mom that at lunch i looked over to alison and her group of friends and they all smirked at me and laughed... that hurt me... i even wanted to trasfer schools but i decided to stay...
even in the sixth grade her and her group made fun of me... jarrett fleming noopur mandel daniel ritz (iono how to spell their names..) courtney hordike brianna fonseca jennifer i forgot her last name...even lisa maye and czarina... for two years i delt with that... my only friends were diana chavez and krista fitero....
i'll never forget how bad i would wish they would die or sometimes i wish that i would.... i remember trying to be invinsible.... not literally but just be quiet and sit by myself just hoping they wouldnt pick on me that day.... but it never worked.... they all would choose something about me that wuz wrong to point out... it made me feel ugly..
i felt ugly all the time... they made fun of my legs my outfits...that wuznt the only reason i felt ugly... i felt ugly because wen ever i would go to filipino parties they'd always tell vanessa how grown up and beautiful she looked.... and would ignore me... it got so bad to the point where i would just walk past everyone and not say hi and find a quiet little room where i could just play games on my little race care game thing...
I felt so ugly... then one year i went to the philipines and i guess i matured and my face changed a lot... my hair was perfect.... and guys started to notice me... then wen i would go to parties they would all say WOW VALERIE ur so priti.... that wuz the only time ne one noticed me.... they only noticed me wen i wuz priti..
i soon went on to jr high....and i felt some strange need to feel priti....so i would do everything to get attention... and i did... i got lots of attention... all of a sudden random people started introducing themselves to me... i felt so special.... then i met jennifer lee... she seemed so eager to meet me and hang out with me...We soon hit it off and became friends... we were so thigh i mean we never left each others side..... she soon introduced me to guys from her old school mary bragg that wanted to meet me cuz they though i wuz priti or something.... days went by and everyone knew me and i made sooo many friends.... then jenn told me that jared liked me... now i knew jared from milani who didnt like me... they were cousins... i saw him haning with some people and wen i looked at him his friend looked at me too....
soon jared approached me and asked me to be his girlfriend... i wuz soo shy...wen we would sit next to each other durring lunch and stuff i would be so nervous wen he would hold me and stuff and i felt so uncomfortable... we never kissed or nething... he soon lost interest in me... and started walk away wen i would walk near him... i didnt understand... i wuz sorta stupid and thought that i would stay with the first boyfriend i ever got with forever... i wuz heartbroken wen we broke up... because i didnt understand.... i didnt feel like i did nething wrong...but apparently its cuz i wuz too innocent...we had our first kiss on the lips at jennifers birthday party it wuz a set up... lol then he asked me out once again... then once again he blew me off and dodged my kisses.. i didnt understand wut i did wrong again... then he broke my heart a second time... then once again we got bak together.... its sooo funny because all these guys were talking about 69 and all this sex stuff and i didnt even know wut they meant... and i think they thought is wuz funny i didnt know wut they meant.. so they would come up to me and say stuff like ... do u spit or swollow... and i wuz soooo confused .... they would say do u like 69 and i would just stare at them all confused and they'd laugh.... and i remember anthony would come up to me and speak spanish and say chupa sumthin sumthing... I didnt even know wut the word boner meant... cuz i remember i would dance like all the other grls at dances.. all freaky nd sexy nd stuff... then tony valdez wuz like dont dance like that infront of me... cuz i get all excited .... and i didnt understand... and then i forgot his name but he used to like me... the grls were talkin to me and were all like...eww did u know that he got suspended for wackin off i just laughed but i didnt understand... i admited this to jenn cuz she wuz my best friend and she explained all of it... it wuz so shockin to me i never knew about this stuff ya know??? well ne ways... me nd jenn went to the mall one day and ran into some guys... they liked me and one asked me out a-ron... i liked the attention so i said ya... but the james fortunato called and said that jared wanted to get bak with me... i didnt know wut to do so i called jenn and she told me to get bak with jared and dump a-ron or A-ronic now wuz pissed off at me and didnt wannna talk to me.... then i did and the thing is it turned me into something i wuznt... i wanted jared to be into me... and actually stay with me this time... and so i became a freak a leak cuz thats wut he liked.... then he wated to break up with me again... th is broke my heart again cuz he started to call me a bitch and a hoe and stuff like that and i didnt understand.... but then jj told me he did that so that i would break up with him... and so i did... broken hearted i wanted revenge and so i went out with jj (his best friend) and tore their friendship apart.... mean yes... but wut could i do i wuz mad and sooo depressed i would cry my eyes out every night...
then jenn told everyone that i callled her ugly and stupid... and she made me look like a bitch... and everyone started to not like me... we were on the basketball team and she told our team members that i said that the coach wouldnt let her play cuz she sucked and that i wuz way better at it so thats y he let me play every game... so the team would purposely be mean to me... throw stuff at me nd stuff.... then she turned the fob 5 agaiinst me... to the point where wen we were all walking in the hallway wen we reached a poll vickie tried to push me into it...one day jenn wuz cryin in the bathroom and i wuz very concerned so i ran to the bathroom i asked her y she wuz crying... and she told me amie krystle and vickie that her dad abused her.... and i wuz shocked i felt so bad for her.... she said she had bruises alll over her body and all over her legs.... and i felt so bad i told her to call me any time she felt he would beat her up and call me so i could run to her house even though she lived far walking distance... and that day we had a cross country meet... i came in fourth she came in 6th but told everyone she got fourth place... then i noticed there were no bruses on her legs... but thought nothing of it.... then that day after school she hit up my cell... and she sounded like she wuz gonna cry.... and i asked her wut wuz wrong and she said that her dad wuz about to beat her up and that if i ran over there he wouldnt beat her up infront of me... and so i lied to my mom and said that she needed heklp with her homework and so I RAN as fast as i could all the way to her house... i wuz so worried... she wuz there playing with her little cousin and she said ooo he just left... and so once again i thought nothing of it... and she told me to stay for a while.... and i did cuz i told my mom i wuz helpin her and didnt want to turn up home already .... and then about 30 mins later her boyfriend louie from faye ross came over ... and she told her grandma that he wuz my brother... so that he could stay.... thats wen i realised y she called me there.... not because she wuz gonna get hurt... but so that she could do stuff with her boyfriend... i wuz just there... with her lil cousin in the hallways waiting... while her nd louie were locked in her room doing god knows wut... i felt so used and mad... but didnt say anything cuz we were friends...then one day i had had enough of her lies about me and her ruining my rep and friendships with everyone....so on my b-day i invited lots of people to my birthday cept her... she heard about it and gave me a present so that i would feel bad and invite her... but i didnt... after people found out we werent best friends anymore ...grls from mary bragg confronted me and told me that jenn wuz like that with every bestfriend she had... they told me they didnt want to tell me cuz they knew i wouldnt believe them.... she made me seem like a bitch and that i can never get bak...
well my love life after jared wuz rock... i always wanted to have a boyfriend cuz i like the attention i got wen i did have one... everyone sayin OOO grl ur with so and sooo grl hes hot... then we'd have sum dramatic break up and i wuz left alone... again.... one memorable relationship i had wuz with brian lee...
i thought he wuz so nice and sweet cuz hed call me and buy me stuffed animals all the time...then came my birthday... he comes over bringing me a finding nemo dolland i thought that wuz sweet... we went into the bathroom cuz all my friends were there and i didnt want them to watch me nd my boyfriend making out....so we were making out in my bathroom wen he pulled out his dick... and i said no i just wanna kiss you the he said NO come on its ur birthday just suck it ... and i said now stop ...then he said do it come on.... and so i tried to push off of him but he grabbed my arms and it hurt... he pulled me close to him and i struggled so hard to break free... i wuz so scared.... then finally i pushed off and openend the dorr and yelled at him to get the fuck out of my house... then he put his pants on and got out... i stayed in the bathroom and started to cry... i cried only a little cuz my friends were outside and i didnt wanna tell them wut happend.... after that i felt so weird everytime someone got near me... i would freak out and yell at them to get away from me... i told donne wut wuz up and she told me that if it really botherd me i should tell someone... but i just couldnt...
another time this happend wuz with brian lee...i thought he really liked me... but apparently i wuz just his bitch... he would act like he really liked me but then wen his friends would come by hed throw my hand... and say no thats not my gf... but wen we were alone hed call me that...then one day he picked me up and we went to his house but he told me we were gonna go chill at ctc... then wen we got to his house we started to make out in his room... his friends were in the living room drinking.... then..............he took off my pants and then quickly put on a condom... and then ya.... it hurt i hated it... it made me scream and i wanted him off it hurt so bad......luckily his friend called him and he stopped... i left right away and wuz so confused... but he walked me home... and was very sweet to me again....and he kissed me goodbye and asked me to go to sadies with him... he paid for sadies and everything.... he took me but ignored me... all his friends were there but i wuz by myself... he left me alone and ignored me.... his friends were mean and made fun of me.. i wuz miserable.... he wouldnt hold my hand but then he would wen no one wuz looking.... then he wanted to go sit off to this area where no one was.. he wuz tired cuz he had work the next morning so we just sat together on a bench at knotts... i tried to kiss him but he ignored me and wuz silent... i asked him wuts wrong??he said "nothing"and so i just sat there with him... quiet..... after that night... he stopped talking to me.... i wuz devistated he took my virginity and then broke my heart... i wanted revenge...... but didnt know how to get it.... but i went out with tommy after that just cuz i needed someone.... i didnt really like him... but i had a broken heart and wuz tired of crying about the whole brian thing...cuz i cried about loosing my virginity for about id say 6 months everynight...before bed id cry myself to sleep...feeling so stupid.........
i got with tommy after just meeting him.... i didnt care i didnt know a thing about him... but i needed someone to get my mind off of the whole situation.... so i got with him....and i stopped crying every night cuz i had someone to talk to....everyone was saying i wouldnt last long with him...and they were right.... if they hadnt said that i would just break up with him withing 2 months i prolly would have.... but i wanted to prove them alll wrong ...and soooooo i stayed with him even though he was annoying and dorky..... i remember wanting to go out with julius... like really bad... he noticed me and started to flirt with me.... i liked it.... but then again couldnt dump tommy just out of nowhere not to mention after he started to talk to me tommy and eric got into a fight... i wuz PISSED OFF... not cuz they beat him up... he deserved that.... cuz he wuznt no crip i knew that lol he deserved that beating... well neways... i wuz pissed off cuz nick patel went up to me and laughed at me the next day so i cussed at him all pissed ... but wah ever thennn iono i knew i couldnt just break up with tommy cuz he wuznt bad to me at all and soooo i cheated on him... iono i didnt want it ne more...
i liked guys after that... mostly freshies... but never went out with them because of raden... he messed with my mind... he called me hung out with me flirted with me but stayed with his lil grlfriend... and i hated that... pissed me off and it wuznt worth it... cuz if a guy doesnt give up the grl they like for me then they aint worth it..
then after i started to like rob... love it u know the rst hes sexy we're together and we're gonna be for the rest of our lives... i feel so different about rob then i do neone else.....i love him and always will ... i cant live without him hes this specail part of me that i'll never be able to let go. HEs the love of my life and i cant be happier... im so glad i met him =)
the love i have for him makes all my past experiences nothing...even though at times i wuz hurt...and forced to do things... those things dont matter anymore because he loves me nd i love him...andddddddd I cant wait till we live to gether and get married... the day we get married... will most likely be the happiest day of my life... the other happiest dat of my life wus seeing leila for the first time and my first kiss with rob hehe that night wuz frikin the best.....i wuz so happy he finally wanted to kiss me because i've been wanting to kiss him ever since that day we ditched school and went to ronalds house... hahaha well im tired... so good nite!!!!!!!!
ahhh shes soo beautiful!!
Gosh i love leila soo frikin much...she is growin ta be sooo frikin beautiful... lol its so fun watchin her go everywhere lol ... and that beautiful smile she gives me the momment she sees me in the morning.... I love the way she laughs wen i kiss her neck...lol and she even smiles wen i hold her upside down... lol shes combat crawling right now haha its funny cuz shes SOOO fast...
I talked to vickie last night... it wuz awesome cuz i dont really talk to anyone much no more ya know?? and like it wuz just cool to laugh and share with her wuts going on and everything...
im so confused.. i want to be a medical assistant now that vanessa is telling me all these things about CNA iono i guess if they dont get paid that much i might as well become a medical assistant...
i wanna get married to robbie lIKE NOW... but even though i really want to i know that i have to wait for the momment to be right... i mean i dont wanna get married and have no job and stuff like that...
a lot of the grls at tracy live with their boys... nd it makes me sad that i cant... cuz i miss him so much every single time that we part...i want to raise leila together...not in different houses...=( i wanna get married sooo bad but wut can i do... we still gotta finish high school and i gotta finish medical school....
AHHHHHHHHH i would just move out wen im 18 but my rents would be mad about that one... i mean i guess their right about the whole thign ya know about it being wrong that we're not married... but the thing that they have to put into their minds is that WE HAVE A KID!!!!!... lol
awww lol leilas smiling soo big at her tita veronica right now lol nd now shes combat crawling towards her OO now towards the remote control LOLits sooo cute.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I MISS MY ROBERT..... gosh.I miss him so much it hurts... argh yyyy do we gotta be so far apart..
well i gotta GOOOOOOOOOO cuz my leila is crying at the dorr lol i think she wants to go to the mall....awww shes JUST LIKE MEEE haha
I talked to vickie last night... it wuz awesome cuz i dont really talk to anyone much no more ya know?? and like it wuz just cool to laugh and share with her wuts going on and everything...
im so confused.. i want to be a medical assistant now that vanessa is telling me all these things about CNA iono i guess if they dont get paid that much i might as well become a medical assistant...
i wanna get married to robbie lIKE NOW... but even though i really want to i know that i have to wait for the momment to be right... i mean i dont wanna get married and have no job and stuff like that...
a lot of the grls at tracy live with their boys... nd it makes me sad that i cant... cuz i miss him so much every single time that we part...i want to raise leila together...not in different houses...=( i wanna get married sooo bad but wut can i do... we still gotta finish high school and i gotta finish medical school....
AHHHHHHHHH i would just move out wen im 18 but my rents would be mad about that one... i mean i guess their right about the whole thign ya know about it being wrong that we're not married... but the thing that they have to put into their minds is that WE HAVE A KID!!!!!... lol
awww lol leilas smiling soo big at her tita veronica right now lol nd now shes combat crawling towards her OO now towards the remote control LOLits sooo cute.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I MISS MY ROBERT..... gosh.I miss him so much it hurts... argh yyyy do we gotta be so far apart..
well i gotta GOOOOOOOOOO cuz my leila is crying at the dorr lol i think she wants to go to the mall....awww shes JUST LIKE MEEE haha
argh w/e
OOOMY GOODNESSS y do i dislike aj sooo much?? could it be that stupid personality that gay laugh the way he treated soo many grls..the way he starts soo much drama with people i love argh!!!!!!!! im not alone though most of the people that know him dont like him... lol nd they have every reason to feel that way.. i wish i had never felt sorry for him... i wish i had never MET HIM!!!!... i wish he had never met tiffany... cuz then... tiff would still love the people in our youth group... nd her nd amie would be cool... nd we could all go on being happy.... nd its sooo funny how no body likes him nd she still insists on trusting that hes a great guy... i mean if hes such a great guy how come he only has 5 friends... lol funny huh??
well ya these two weeks with out rob has sure been fun but horrible... he is my sanity in this world... i mean without him here i get dragged into all this drama... being pulled this way and that...but at the same time im glad hes gone while all this drama is goin down cuz it deals with his "best friend" nd im priti sure hed take aj's side over mine... nd then we'd end up fighting again..=( over a stupid guy... a stupid gay faget guy... nd then me nd rob would fight ... prolly make me cry again...=( y does rob have to be HIS best friend... bleh wut evah...
argh i gotta go leils crying...
well ya these two weeks with out rob has sure been fun but horrible... he is my sanity in this world... i mean without him here i get dragged into all this drama... being pulled this way and that...but at the same time im glad hes gone while all this drama is goin down cuz it deals with his "best friend" nd im priti sure hed take aj's side over mine... nd then we'd end up fighting again..=( over a stupid guy... a stupid gay faget guy... nd then me nd rob would fight ... prolly make me cry again...=( y does rob have to be HIS best friend... bleh wut evah...
argh i gotta go leils crying...
wow i totally forgot i had this thing!!
ok so for a while i forgot to update this thing... probably because where i left off things got really crazy ....
its hard for me think of where to begin...
u know i really dont know if i will ever let anyone see this... probably wen I am 50 years old i'll use this asa refrence for my book.... because all this was writen so fresh nd so heartfelt...
mkay wen i left off leila was only begning to crawl... nd aj wuz an asswhole..,,
let me start with an update on leilani...
this chils is truely remarkable... she is so intelligent... when you look at other children her age the diference is very drastic... this girl is more advanced then children that are a year older then her...she walked wen she was a little over 1 year old. Her first birthday party was a priti big one. It was at grandma nd grandmas house and we went all out... we rented a big princess jumper... big cotton candy machine(which wuz the favotire of everyone) and everything wuz decorated with princess things... her cake had all the disney princess on them and it was so beautiful.... so many people came to see her that day... she got lots of presents and lots of toys that she really enjoyed.... not to mention TONS OF CLOTHES!!!!! lmg i swer the clothes she got still lasted till now nd shes almost two HAHAHA...on that day she wore a snow white out fit and she really does look like snow white.... i wrote a paper for college recently and i compared her features to those of snow white because they have a big resemblance.... she is my little princess after all.....
she has grown lots since then... and her personality shines brighter then any kid out there... she loves to dance... SHE EVEN LEANS LIKE A CHOLO!! lol she tries to booty pop but its ok shes only a bab she doesnt know wut that is... when i tie her hair up in pigg tails... she looks just like boo from the movie monsters inc. Everyone i meet says, " OMG SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE BOO!!" nd im like ya ya so wuts new haha jk... i love it... she also looks like an asian version of pebbles from the flinstones... man she talks SOOOO much right now... she even calls me VALERIE from time to time hahaha...
but wen she wants something she can really put together sentances... and she learns a new word everyday... she knows things i didnt even know she KNEW!!! like all of a sudden... she saw a bug nd she SCREAMMMEEDD nd she "O MY GOSH ITS A BUG!!" lol shes too littlw to say that lol... she knows bad stuff too... like i dropped ice nd then she sed " O SHIT the ice fall" HAHAHHAHAHHA omg... she loves to make silly faces nd make everyone laugh.... she got that from both me and rob no doubt.... shes starting to look more and more like me.... her eyes.... those eyes look just like mine...i compared my baby pictures to hers nd we look like twins LOL... but shes a better version though...
joshua is all grown up too... he talks and we can hld a conversation with each other.... he rats out leila wen shes playing with the toilet or sumthing shes not supposed to...his hair is really long and really curly now... nd i just really love him like he were my own son... leila and josh absoloutely LOOOVVVVEEEEE each other... they go on missions around the house all the time... sometimes in the morning they'll be super sneaky... and wake up without waking ne one else... then josh will open the door to my room nd wake up lei nd they'll just leave nd mess up the house wihtout neone knowing.... how do i know this.??? I CAUGHT THEM IN THE ACT... i pretended like i wuz sleeping... nd then he slowly opend my bedroom door peeked in nd saw i was sleeping... he slowly crawled onto my bed nd went over to leila... then he sat infront of her face nd sed .."goodmorning leila!" nd leila wuld say "mornin Dosh(cuz she cant really pronounce the j)" nd shed smile nd hes smile nd they'd just sort of talk... iono wut they were saying ... but they seemed to understand.... nd then josh would slide off the bed.... and say " come on leila
nd leila would smile the scurry off too lol....
they are truely a lovely lovely couple of cousins... i love josh and lei sooo much .... thats y im going to school for the both of them,.... im not only trying to get my phd in psychology for lei.... i want to be able to support both of them... because i ove them sooo damn much...
if only i could type out the faces they make...... nd the feeling i get wen i see both smiling up at me wen i just wake up.... man i love it... i love them.... they make my life worth living.... even though im only 18 years old.... they've given this 18 year old mom so much drive to succeed nd give them the lives they deserve to live....
i promise u lei and josh.... i will provide for you guys... i will love you guys.... i will be there for u guys till the end of time.... u mite push me away in the future.... but no matter how hard u push i will always be there loving you...
i want to give them a great education... send them to the best schools on te planet... because they deserve it...
leilani is sick today =(.... it wuz super hot all weekend... near 100 degrees... which is kinda weird for cerritos.... i think theres gna be a big earth quake here soon.... 11 people have already died because of this heat... mpstly the elderly...
we are still at war in iraq.... although im not too surei understand y.... i never understood y.... i just kinda accepted it... i guess it doesnt really impact me that we;re at war.... because iono i just hear about it... i dont see it... so as i go on living my everyday life like everythings normal... there are people there dying...nd its still not a reality...
im not sure if im pro war or ant-war/.... i think im in the middle...
hmnnn wut else ... i started colllege...at cerritos college... but u know wut i think thats all fortonight... im getting tired nd am just waiting for alejandro baello III to call me... gnite... nd i'll add more cuz theres so much i need to catch up on...
its hard for me think of where to begin...
u know i really dont know if i will ever let anyone see this... probably wen I am 50 years old i'll use this asa refrence for my book.... because all this was writen so fresh nd so heartfelt...
mkay wen i left off leila was only begning to crawl... nd aj wuz an asswhole..,,
let me start with an update on leilani...
this chils is truely remarkable... she is so intelligent... when you look at other children her age the diference is very drastic... this girl is more advanced then children that are a year older then her...she walked wen she was a little over 1 year old. Her first birthday party was a priti big one. It was at grandma nd grandmas house and we went all out... we rented a big princess jumper... big cotton candy machine(which wuz the favotire of everyone) and everything wuz decorated with princess things... her cake had all the disney princess on them and it was so beautiful.... so many people came to see her that day... she got lots of presents and lots of toys that she really enjoyed.... not to mention TONS OF CLOTHES!!!!! lmg i swer the clothes she got still lasted till now nd shes almost two HAHAHA...on that day she wore a snow white out fit and she really does look like snow white.... i wrote a paper for college recently and i compared her features to those of snow white because they have a big resemblance.... she is my little princess after all.....
she has grown lots since then... and her personality shines brighter then any kid out there... she loves to dance... SHE EVEN LEANS LIKE A CHOLO!! lol she tries to booty pop but its ok shes only a bab she doesnt know wut that is... when i tie her hair up in pigg tails... she looks just like boo from the movie monsters inc. Everyone i meet says, " OMG SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE BOO!!" nd im like ya ya so wuts new haha jk... i love it... she also looks like an asian version of pebbles from the flinstones... man she talks SOOOO much right now... she even calls me VALERIE from time to time hahaha...
but wen she wants something she can really put together sentances... and she learns a new word everyday... she knows things i didnt even know she KNEW!!! like all of a sudden... she saw a bug nd she SCREAMMMEEDD nd she "O MY GOSH ITS A BUG!!" lol shes too littlw to say that lol... she knows bad stuff too... like i dropped ice nd then she sed " O SHIT the ice fall" HAHAHHAHAHHA omg... she loves to make silly faces nd make everyone laugh.... she got that from both me and rob no doubt.... shes starting to look more and more like me.... her eyes.... those eyes look just like mine...i compared my baby pictures to hers nd we look like twins LOL... but shes a better version though...
joshua is all grown up too... he talks and we can hld a conversation with each other.... he rats out leila wen shes playing with the toilet or sumthing shes not supposed to...his hair is really long and really curly now... nd i just really love him like he were my own son... leila and josh absoloutely LOOOVVVVEEEEE each other... they go on missions around the house all the time... sometimes in the morning they'll be super sneaky... and wake up without waking ne one else... then josh will open the door to my room nd wake up lei nd they'll just leave nd mess up the house wihtout neone knowing.... how do i know this.??? I CAUGHT THEM IN THE ACT... i pretended like i wuz sleeping... nd then he slowly opend my bedroom door peeked in nd saw i was sleeping... he slowly crawled onto my bed nd went over to leila... then he sat infront of her face nd sed .."goodmorning leila!" nd leila wuld say "mornin Dosh(cuz she cant really pronounce the j)" nd shed smile nd hes smile nd they'd just sort of talk... iono wut they were saying ... but they seemed to understand.... nd then josh would slide off the bed.... and say " come on leila
nd leila would smile the scurry off too lol....
they are truely a lovely lovely couple of cousins... i love josh and lei sooo much .... thats y im going to school for the both of them,.... im not only trying to get my phd in psychology for lei.... i want to be able to support both of them... because i ove them sooo damn much...
if only i could type out the faces they make...... nd the feeling i get wen i see both smiling up at me wen i just wake up.... man i love it... i love them.... they make my life worth living.... even though im only 18 years old.... they've given this 18 year old mom so much drive to succeed nd give them the lives they deserve to live....
i promise u lei and josh.... i will provide for you guys... i will love you guys.... i will be there for u guys till the end of time.... u mite push me away in the future.... but no matter how hard u push i will always be there loving you...
i want to give them a great education... send them to the best schools on te planet... because they deserve it...
leilani is sick today =(.... it wuz super hot all weekend... near 100 degrees... which is kinda weird for cerritos.... i think theres gna be a big earth quake here soon.... 11 people have already died because of this heat... mpstly the elderly...
we are still at war in iraq.... although im not too surei understand y.... i never understood y.... i just kinda accepted it... i guess it doesnt really impact me that we;re at war.... because iono i just hear about it... i dont see it... so as i go on living my everyday life like everythings normal... there are people there dying...nd its still not a reality...
im not sure if im pro war or ant-war/.... i think im in the middle...
hmnnn wut else ... i started colllege...at cerritos college... but u know wut i think thats all fortonight... im getting tired nd am just waiting for alejandro baello III to call me... gnite... nd i'll add more cuz theres so much i need to catch up on...
almost admitting defeat
i am having a really hard time right now...
i guess i only choose to really write in here whne things are going bad...
i got into a fight with my dad today which started off my whole day bad...
it got so bad that i almost decided to call robert and beg him to help me out...but im kind of glad i didnt... because doing that is showing robert weekness and i dont want to do that..
i understand robert a little better now though.... i understand how he cant have feelings for me no matter how gud i wuz to him...
josh is one of the coolest friends i have... i can just open up to him and everything... im going to post our aim convo so you know wut we talked about...
joshmandap (3:23:56 PM): whats wrong my friend
Auto Response from valvalmadaldal (3:23:59 PM): wut do u do wen ur world is falling apart right before you?? do u admit defeat and run to the only one who can help...even though u know they wont help.... do u tackle it frm a psychological point of view like i always do or do i pray like theres no tomorrow...
valvalmadaldal (3:24:24 PM): everything
joshmandap (3:24:57 PM): you need to talk about it
valvalmadaldal (3:25:28 PM): i try to play strong... all the time... nd most of the time I am a really strong positive person
valvalmadaldal (3:25:59 PM): but im starting to break down and realize how crazy my dreams actually are
joshmandap (3:26:12 PM): i know what you mean
joshmandap (3:26:26 PM): i kinda went through a small episode recently
joshmandap (3:26:42 PM): so what made you just crack
valvalmadaldal (3:26:54 PM): me nd my dad fighting...
joshmandap (3:26:59 PM): ah i c
valvalmadaldal (3:27:02 PM): i realized i cant stay here
valvalmadaldal (3:27:15 PM): i cant expect to stay here until i finish my education
joshmandap (3:27:15 PM): ?
valvalmadaldal (3:27:28 PM): i realized i cant handle being a mother
valvalmadaldal (3:27:41 PM): i realized that i need roberts help
valvalmadaldal (3:27:52 PM): i almost called him this morning to beg him to help me out
valvalmadaldal (3:28:02 PM): but i didnt because i didnt want to show weekness
valvalmadaldal (3:28:10 PM): i dont want t show him im breaking
valvalmadaldal (3:28:16 PM): but i really am
joshmandap (3:28:35 PM): im so sorry
valvalmadaldal (3:28:51 PM): its ok... i just dont know wut to do nemore
valvalmadaldal (3:28:59 PM): and to be honest i dont know about me and allen
valvalmadaldal (3:29:05 PM): nd thats been on my mind for a while
valvalmadaldal (3:29:17 PM): like its not that i dont like him
valvalmadaldal (3:29:20 PM): i really do...
valvalmadaldal (3:29:46 PM): its just i dont have time to focuss on a relationship when i have all these pressures on me
valvalmadaldal (3:29:57 PM): wen we started to talk thats wen i started to slack off
joshmandap (3:30:14 PM): ah i see
valvalmadaldal (3:30:34 PM): and i can only handle 3 classes if i dont have a relationship
valvalmadaldal (3:30:57 PM): i mean one of my professors asked to talk to me
valvalmadaldal (3:31:16 PM): she wanted to know wut wuz going one with me
valvalmadaldal (3:31:30 PM): she wanted to know why i wuz slowly slipping
valvalmadaldal (3:31:35 PM): i explained to her my life
valvalmadaldal (3:31:56 PM): i explained how i not only take care of lei but i take care of my nephew and i clean the house and cook for them
valvalmadaldal (3:32:22 PM): i stay up sometimes all night nd get 2 hours of sleep just so i can get my assignments done
valvalmadaldal (3:33:08 PM): i cant drive... but its a good thing because i take the bus home from school and that 5 min ride is all i really have that keeps me sane
valvalmadaldal (3:33:33 PM): in those five mins i remind myself of my goals
valvalmadaldal (3:33:39 PM): i remind my self where i want to be
valvalmadaldal (3:33:49 PM): nd then wen i go home its chaos once again
valvalmadaldal (3:34:03 PM): the kids running around and my dad yelling at me
valvalmadaldal (3:34:48 PM): my insecurites of how i look build up everyday... i constantly find myself trying to make sure im pritier then roberts gf
valvalmadaldal (3:35:09 PM): i constantly try to make myself desirable to men because all my life thats the one attention ive ever gotten
valvalmadaldal (3:35:47 PM): wen guys try to holla at me for some twisted reason it makes me feel so good inside even though i know all they think of me is just as a sexual object
joshmandap (3:36:16 PM): val
valvalmadaldal (3:36:29 PM): on a subconcious level i dont think im worth anything because i noticed the guys i go crazy for are theone that treat me like shit
joshmandap (3:36:34 PM): im so sorry that you need that to get by
valvalmadaldal (3:37:27 PM): im breaking down .... nd people constantly judge me... constantly judge my mothering skills ... who i am as a whole... and i know i shouldnt care... but wen u hear the same things over nd over it really starts to sink in
joshmandap (3:37:48 PM): i know exactly how you mean
joshmandap (3:38:37 PM): i would tell you to take the path of apathy, but in the best interest of your daughteri suggest
valvalmadaldal (3:38:42 PM): nd my thoughts tday... were all about running away... i kept thinking "i need to run i dont know where but i need to run" cuz running takes me away from all this thats y i used to be a runner... i ran ... anywhere just to not feel
valvalmadaldal (3:39:14 PM): i know... nd wen i look at her... i feel love ... but i also feel really bad
valvalmadaldal (3:39:18 PM): she didnt deserve this
valvalmadaldal (3:39:32 PM): she didnt deserve to not have a full family
valvalmadaldal (3:39:54 PM): she deserves to have a life with stability
joshmandap (3:40:04 PM): to just care for
valvalmadaldal (3:40:05 PM): she deserves a mother that can provide for her
joshmandap (3:40:05 PM): her
joshmandap (3:40:35 PM): you can provide her
valvalmadaldal (3:40:47 PM): i think i like psychology cuz thats the way i help myself
valvalmadaldal (3:41:09 PM): my old psychologist once sed that im my own psychologist
valvalmadaldal (3:41:27 PM): she sed shes hardly ever seen that before... but thought it wuz really cool
joshmandap (3:41:39 PM): haha
joshmandap (3:41:41 PM): cool
joshmandap (3:41:48 PM): i wish someone said that for me
joshmandap (3:41:56 PM): you should not care about guys
valvalmadaldal (3:42:24 PM): i know i shouldnt.. but for sum reason i associate their attention with great happiness
valvalmadaldal (3:42:46 PM): nd their desire for me sexually as a sort of power
valvalmadaldal (3:42:51 PM): i know that sounds weird
joshmandap (3:42:51 PM): you shouldnt
joshmandap (3:43:09 PM): its not weird
joshmandap (3:43:11 PM): its normal
valvalmadaldal (3:43:21 PM): i know nd wen i think to myself about it i try to figure out y... y it makes me so happy
joshmandap (3:43:23 PM): but i think its something you should do
valvalmadaldal (3:43:29 PM): cuz oonce i figure that out maybe i can break it
valvalmadaldal (3:54:34 PM): iono josh... all i know is i need a break from reality... even if its just an hour i need to get away from it all
joshmandap (3:55:53 PM): you busy monday?
valvalmadaldal (3:56:11 PM): lol school
joshmandap (3:56:23 PM): till what time
valvalmadaldal (3:56:32 PM): 2
valvalmadaldal (3:56:41 PM): well technically 1
joshmandap (3:57:07 PM): then ill help you otu with your break
valvalmadaldal (3:57:19 PM): okie dokie
valvalmadaldal (3:57:31 PM): =)
joshmandap (3:57:40 PM): cuzi k now what you mean
joshmandap (3:57:48 PM): you know what you need?
joshmandap (3:57:58 PM): you need to play some halo
joshmandap (3:58:00 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (3:58:03 PM): hahahahaha
valvalmadaldal (3:58:07 PM): i think soo
valvalmadaldal (3:58:09 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:58:11 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:58:43 PM): o yah
joshmandap (3:58:50 PM): you know that pic you commented
valvalmadaldal (3:58:55 PM): uh huh
joshmandap (3:58:57 PM): it was a funday
joshmandap (3:59:02 PM): so not really sad
valvalmadaldal (3:59:04 PM): i figured
joshmandap (3:59:06 PM): we were posing
valvalmadaldal (3:59:05 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:59:06 PM): haha
valvalmadaldal (3:59:17 PM): like at first i thought... awww how sad
valvalmadaldal (3:59:18 PM): nd then
valvalmadaldal (3:59:44 PM): i saw ... i think thats ur bro... that looked like he wuz... a lil OA... nd u.... u looked like u were posing nd ready
joshmandap (4:00:05 PM): oa?
valvalmadaldal (4:00:08 PM): over acting
valvalmadaldal (4:00:09 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:00:12 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:00:21 PM): o no he just had his head down
valvalmadaldal (4:00:28 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (4:01:03 PM): my dad always jokes that wen my mom doesnt cook dinner we'll just head over to forest lawn... nd eat there
valvalmadaldal (4:01:04 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:01:15 PM): yoshinowa?
valvalmadaldal (4:01:27 PM): nooo cuz there are always filipinos with food there
valvalmadaldal (4:01:37 PM): he sed to just say ur realated to Boy
valvalmadaldal (4:01:39 PM): LOL
valvalmadaldal (4:01:47 PM): cuz theres a tito boy in every family
joshmandap (4:02:22 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:02:23 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (4:02:43 PM): i wuz like ewww... id only do that if i were homeless
joshmandap (4:02:58 PM): lol
valvalmadaldal (4:03:58 PM): omg leila is cracking UPPPP... her laugh always makes me calm down a bit
joshmandap (4:05:02 PM): lol
valvalmadaldal (4:05:12 PM): u know ive never admited the whole guys nd my sexuallity thing b4... i always thought it... but never accepted that thats really wut im doing
joshmandap (4:05:42 PM): well im glad you admitted it to me
joshmandap (4:05:45 PM):
joshmandap (4:05:56 PM): when you tell me stuff like that it makes me happy
valvalmadaldal (4:06:22 PM): haha meee toooo .... iono i just have an easier time telling u things
valvalmadaldal (4:06:25 PM): iono Y but i do
valvalmadaldal (4:07:04 PM): i think its cuz i think we think kinda alike
valvalmadaldal (4:07:06 PM): thats y
joshmandap (4:07:23 PM): yah
this one convo.... helped me a lot today
i guess i only choose to really write in here whne things are going bad...
i got into a fight with my dad today which started off my whole day bad...
it got so bad that i almost decided to call robert and beg him to help me out...but im kind of glad i didnt... because doing that is showing robert weekness and i dont want to do that..
i understand robert a little better now though.... i understand how he cant have feelings for me no matter how gud i wuz to him...
josh is one of the coolest friends i have... i can just open up to him and everything... im going to post our aim convo so you know wut we talked about...
joshmandap (3:23:56 PM): whats wrong my friend
Auto Response from valvalmadaldal (3:23:59 PM): wut do u do wen ur world is falling apart right before you?? do u admit defeat and run to the only one who can help...even though u know they wont help.... do u tackle it frm a psychological point of view like i always do or do i pray like theres no tomorrow...
valvalmadaldal (3:24:24 PM): everything
joshmandap (3:24:57 PM): you need to talk about it
valvalmadaldal (3:25:28 PM): i try to play strong... all the time... nd most of the time I am a really strong positive person
valvalmadaldal (3:25:59 PM): but im starting to break down and realize how crazy my dreams actually are
joshmandap (3:26:12 PM): i know what you mean
joshmandap (3:26:26 PM): i kinda went through a small episode recently
joshmandap (3:26:42 PM): so what made you just crack
valvalmadaldal (3:26:54 PM): me nd my dad fighting...
joshmandap (3:26:59 PM): ah i c
valvalmadaldal (3:27:02 PM): i realized i cant stay here
valvalmadaldal (3:27:15 PM): i cant expect to stay here until i finish my education
joshmandap (3:27:15 PM): ?
valvalmadaldal (3:27:28 PM): i realized i cant handle being a mother
valvalmadaldal (3:27:41 PM): i realized that i need roberts help
valvalmadaldal (3:27:52 PM): i almost called him this morning to beg him to help me out
valvalmadaldal (3:28:02 PM): but i didnt because i didnt want to show weekness
valvalmadaldal (3:28:10 PM): i dont want t show him im breaking
valvalmadaldal (3:28:16 PM): but i really am
joshmandap (3:28:35 PM): im so sorry
valvalmadaldal (3:28:51 PM): its ok... i just dont know wut to do nemore
valvalmadaldal (3:28:59 PM): and to be honest i dont know about me and allen
valvalmadaldal (3:29:05 PM): nd thats been on my mind for a while
valvalmadaldal (3:29:17 PM): like its not that i dont like him
valvalmadaldal (3:29:20 PM): i really do...
valvalmadaldal (3:29:46 PM): its just i dont have time to focuss on a relationship when i have all these pressures on me
valvalmadaldal (3:29:57 PM): wen we started to talk thats wen i started to slack off
joshmandap (3:30:14 PM): ah i see
valvalmadaldal (3:30:34 PM): and i can only handle 3 classes if i dont have a relationship
valvalmadaldal (3:30:57 PM): i mean one of my professors asked to talk to me
valvalmadaldal (3:31:16 PM): she wanted to know wut wuz going one with me
valvalmadaldal (3:31:30 PM): she wanted to know why i wuz slowly slipping
valvalmadaldal (3:31:35 PM): i explained to her my life
valvalmadaldal (3:31:56 PM): i explained how i not only take care of lei but i take care of my nephew and i clean the house and cook for them
valvalmadaldal (3:32:22 PM): i stay up sometimes all night nd get 2 hours of sleep just so i can get my assignments done
valvalmadaldal (3:33:08 PM): i cant drive... but its a good thing because i take the bus home from school and that 5 min ride is all i really have that keeps me sane
valvalmadaldal (3:33:33 PM): in those five mins i remind myself of my goals
valvalmadaldal (3:33:39 PM): i remind my self where i want to be
valvalmadaldal (3:33:49 PM): nd then wen i go home its chaos once again
valvalmadaldal (3:34:03 PM): the kids running around and my dad yelling at me
valvalmadaldal (3:34:48 PM): my insecurites of how i look build up everyday... i constantly find myself trying to make sure im pritier then roberts gf
valvalmadaldal (3:35:09 PM): i constantly try to make myself desirable to men because all my life thats the one attention ive ever gotten
valvalmadaldal (3:35:47 PM): wen guys try to holla at me for some twisted reason it makes me feel so good inside even though i know all they think of me is just as a sexual object
joshmandap (3:36:16 PM): val
valvalmadaldal (3:36:29 PM): on a subconcious level i dont think im worth anything because i noticed the guys i go crazy for are theone that treat me like shit
joshmandap (3:36:34 PM): im so sorry that you need that to get by
valvalmadaldal (3:37:27 PM): im breaking down .... nd people constantly judge me... constantly judge my mothering skills ... who i am as a whole... and i know i shouldnt care... but wen u hear the same things over nd over it really starts to sink in
joshmandap (3:37:48 PM): i know exactly how you mean
joshmandap (3:38:37 PM): i would tell you to take the path of apathy, but in the best interest of your daughteri suggest
valvalmadaldal (3:38:42 PM): nd my thoughts tday... were all about running away... i kept thinking "i need to run i dont know where but i need to run" cuz running takes me away from all this thats y i used to be a runner... i ran ... anywhere just to not feel
valvalmadaldal (3:39:14 PM): i know... nd wen i look at her... i feel love ... but i also feel really bad
valvalmadaldal (3:39:18 PM): she didnt deserve this
valvalmadaldal (3:39:32 PM): she didnt deserve to not have a full family
valvalmadaldal (3:39:54 PM): she deserves to have a life with stability
joshmandap (3:40:04 PM): to just care for
valvalmadaldal (3:40:05 PM): she deserves a mother that can provide for her
joshmandap (3:40:05 PM): her
joshmandap (3:40:35 PM): you can provide her
valvalmadaldal (3:40:47 PM): i think i like psychology cuz thats the way i help myself
valvalmadaldal (3:41:09 PM): my old psychologist once sed that im my own psychologist
valvalmadaldal (3:41:27 PM): she sed shes hardly ever seen that before... but thought it wuz really cool
joshmandap (3:41:39 PM): haha
joshmandap (3:41:41 PM): cool
joshmandap (3:41:48 PM): i wish someone said that for me
joshmandap (3:41:56 PM): you should not care about guys
valvalmadaldal (3:42:24 PM): i know i shouldnt.. but for sum reason i associate their attention with great happiness
valvalmadaldal (3:42:46 PM): nd their desire for me sexually as a sort of power
valvalmadaldal (3:42:51 PM): i know that sounds weird
joshmandap (3:42:51 PM): you shouldnt
joshmandap (3:43:09 PM): its not weird
joshmandap (3:43:11 PM): its normal
valvalmadaldal (3:43:21 PM): i know nd wen i think to myself about it i try to figure out y... y it makes me so happy
joshmandap (3:43:23 PM): but i think its something you should do
valvalmadaldal (3:43:29 PM): cuz oonce i figure that out maybe i can break it
valvalmadaldal (3:54:34 PM): iono josh... all i know is i need a break from reality... even if its just an hour i need to get away from it all
joshmandap (3:55:53 PM): you busy monday?
valvalmadaldal (3:56:11 PM): lol school
joshmandap (3:56:23 PM): till what time
valvalmadaldal (3:56:32 PM): 2
valvalmadaldal (3:56:41 PM): well technically 1
joshmandap (3:57:07 PM): then ill help you otu with your break
valvalmadaldal (3:57:19 PM): okie dokie
valvalmadaldal (3:57:31 PM): =)
joshmandap (3:57:40 PM): cuzi k now what you mean
joshmandap (3:57:48 PM): you know what you need?
joshmandap (3:57:58 PM): you need to play some halo
joshmandap (3:58:00 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (3:58:03 PM): hahahahaha
valvalmadaldal (3:58:07 PM): i think soo
valvalmadaldal (3:58:09 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:58:11 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:58:43 PM): o yah
joshmandap (3:58:50 PM): you know that pic you commented
valvalmadaldal (3:58:55 PM): uh huh
joshmandap (3:58:57 PM): it was a funday
joshmandap (3:59:02 PM): so not really sad
valvalmadaldal (3:59:04 PM): i figured
joshmandap (3:59:06 PM): we were posing
valvalmadaldal (3:59:05 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:59:06 PM): haha
valvalmadaldal (3:59:17 PM): like at first i thought... awww how sad
valvalmadaldal (3:59:18 PM): nd then
valvalmadaldal (3:59:44 PM): i saw ... i think thats ur bro... that looked like he wuz... a lil OA... nd u.... u looked like u were posing nd ready
joshmandap (4:00:05 PM): oa?
valvalmadaldal (4:00:08 PM): over acting
valvalmadaldal (4:00:09 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:00:12 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:00:21 PM): o no he just had his head down
valvalmadaldal (4:00:28 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (4:01:03 PM): my dad always jokes that wen my mom doesnt cook dinner we'll just head over to forest lawn... nd eat there
valvalmadaldal (4:01:04 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:01:15 PM): yoshinowa?
valvalmadaldal (4:01:27 PM): nooo cuz there are always filipinos with food there
valvalmadaldal (4:01:37 PM): he sed to just say ur realated to Boy
valvalmadaldal (4:01:39 PM): LOL
valvalmadaldal (4:01:47 PM): cuz theres a tito boy in every family
joshmandap (4:02:22 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:02:23 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (4:02:43 PM): i wuz like ewww... id only do that if i were homeless
joshmandap (4:02:58 PM): lol
valvalmadaldal (4:03:58 PM): omg leila is cracking UPPPP... her laugh always makes me calm down a bit
joshmandap (4:05:02 PM): lol
valvalmadaldal (4:05:12 PM): u know ive never admited the whole guys nd my sexuallity thing b4... i always thought it... but never accepted that thats really wut im doing
joshmandap (4:05:42 PM): well im glad you admitted it to me
joshmandap (4:05:45 PM):
joshmandap (4:05:56 PM): when you tell me stuff like that it makes me happy
valvalmadaldal (4:06:22 PM): haha meee toooo .... iono i just have an easier time telling u things
valvalmadaldal (4:06:25 PM): iono Y but i do
valvalmadaldal (4:07:04 PM): i think its cuz i think we think kinda alike
valvalmadaldal (4:07:06 PM): thats y
joshmandap (4:07:23 PM): yah
this one convo.... helped me a lot today
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