Its so funny because ever since i wuz little i dreamt of my own fairy tale movie life... ya know??? my life in a movie... I guess thats why my life is how it is... I always want there to be a story... I guess th ats why throughout alll the pain and everything... I believe i made all that drama myself... weird isnt it??
all those people "i dont like" all those break ups?? all my doing.... why beacuse I wanted a story....
I live everyday as if i were being watched by thousands of viewers.... when actually its just my imagination playing on me...
to me my dreams at night and my everyday life are tv worthy.... and yet its never going to happen...
sometimes i think if only the whole world new my story... if only the wholllleeee world watched my life....
its funny because sometimes i wonder wut other peoples lives are like... sometimes I wonder wut their movie is all about...
I guess thats why i love to talk... i love to talk about me... concieted much no i just want my story out there but wut for??? i dont know
movies facinate me... they pull me into a world i wish i had... with drama love and happy endings...Sometimes i wish people knew wut i wuz thinking...
This is why i write in things like LJ... but the thing is i decided to be just totally honest in this thing thats why im not letting anyone know that this LJ exists cept for rob ya know... because i want to be totally honest... and how can i do that with other onlookers ya KNOW????
I've always dreaaaammmed of being on tv... on others watching me... but with so many others with the same dream... i feeel that it will never become a reality.....i meani wuz born with a superstar name... valerie victoria vedar... duhh lol that equals stardom lol
ever since i wuz little all i remember is everyone likeing me.....
i remember the first 5 years in school were soo awesome and just sooo real ... i never had to impress anyone I was just me.... everyone liked me for me... i wuz always in the spot light and everyone always seemed to want to be my friend....xcept for this one year a beautiful 4th grader came to school chassy...BEfore she came...all the guys liked me nd crushed on me...b4 she came i wuz the one that everyone wanted to be best friends with... then she came.... she had beautiful long black hair and a perfect smile... not to mention she was a hawaiian dancer and performed a hawaiian dance infront of the school and after that ALLL the guys talked about her... i remember likeing her but at the same time hating her.....i dont know why that happens.... i guess its cuz she was such a nice person so i liked her but...at the same time she stole my thunder and hated her.
after that my social life in elementary school kind of went down....
not to mention the people who didnt like me more like were jealous of me finally got their chance to say wut they wanted to say about me wen alison boyd started to talk about me... soon after that the people who were jealous of my like milani and other stupid grls....started to join her little group...
for somereason people were drawn to her picking on me then she had formed a group of people who lived to make fun of me... everyday i would sit by myself because even my best friend left me because i wuz no longer in the spot light... i remember being so embarassed because one day my mom came to visit me at lunch and she saw me sitting by myself at a lunch table... she sat next to me and asked y i wuz sitting by myself and i told her its cuz i wanted to.... but she knew later on cuz wen i got home i told her... well while i wuz telling my mom that at lunch i looked over to alison and her group of friends and they all smirked at me and laughed... that hurt me... i even wanted to trasfer schools but i decided to stay...
even in the sixth grade her and her group made fun of me... jarrett fleming noopur mandel daniel ritz (iono how to spell their names..) courtney hordike brianna fonseca jennifer i forgot her last name...even lisa maye and czarina... for two years i delt with that... my only friends were diana chavez and krista fitero....
i'll never forget how bad i would wish they would die or sometimes i wish that i would.... i remember trying to be invinsible.... not literally but just be quiet and sit by myself just hoping they wouldnt pick on me that day.... but it never worked.... they all would choose something about me that wuz wrong to point out... it made me feel ugly..
i felt ugly all the time... they made fun of my legs my outfits...that wuznt the only reason i felt ugly... i felt ugly because wen ever i would go to filipino parties they'd always tell vanessa how grown up and beautiful she looked.... and would ignore me... it got so bad to the point where i would just walk past everyone and not say hi and find a quiet little room where i could just play games on my little race care game thing...
I felt so ugly... then one year i went to the philipines and i guess i matured and my face changed a lot... my hair was perfect.... and guys started to notice me... then wen i would go to parties they would all say WOW VALERIE ur so priti.... that wuz the only time ne one noticed me.... they only noticed me wen i wuz priti..
i soon went on to jr high....and i felt some strange need to feel priti....so i would do everything to get attention... and i did... i got lots of attention... all of a sudden random people started introducing themselves to me... i felt so special.... then i met jennifer lee... she seemed so eager to meet me and hang out with me...We soon hit it off and became friends... we were so thigh i mean we never left each others side..... she soon introduced me to guys from her old school mary bragg that wanted to meet me cuz they though i wuz priti or something.... days went by and everyone knew me and i made sooo many friends.... then jenn told me that jared liked me... now i knew jared from milani who didnt like me... they were cousins... i saw him haning with some people and wen i looked at him his friend looked at me too....
soon jared approached me and asked me to be his girlfriend... i wuz soo shy...wen we would sit next to each other durring lunch and stuff i would be so nervous wen he would hold me and stuff and i felt so uncomfortable... we never kissed or nething... he soon lost interest in me... and started walk away wen i would walk near him... i didnt understand... i wuz sorta stupid and thought that i would stay with the first boyfriend i ever got with forever... i wuz heartbroken wen we broke up... because i didnt understand.... i didnt feel like i did nething wrong...but apparently its cuz i wuz too innocent...we had our first kiss on the lips at jennifers birthday party it wuz a set up... lol then he asked me out once again... then once again he blew me off and dodged my kisses.. i didnt understand wut i did wrong again... then he broke my heart a second time... then once again we got bak together.... its sooo funny because all these guys were talking about 69 and all this sex stuff and i didnt even know wut they meant... and i think they thought is wuz funny i didnt know wut they meant.. so they would come up to me and say stuff like ... do u spit or swollow... and i wuz soooo confused .... they would say do u like 69 and i would just stare at them all confused and they'd laugh.... and i remember anthony would come up to me and speak spanish and say chupa sumthin sumthing... I didnt even know wut the word boner meant... cuz i remember i would dance like all the other grls at dances.. all freaky nd sexy nd stuff... then tony valdez wuz like dont dance like that infront of me... cuz i get all excited .... and i didnt understand... and then i forgot his name but he used to like me... the grls were talkin to me and were all like...eww did u know that he got suspended for wackin off i just laughed but i didnt understand... i admited this to jenn cuz she wuz my best friend and she explained all of it... it wuz so shockin to me i never knew about this stuff ya know??? well ne ways... me nd jenn went to the mall one day and ran into some guys... they liked me and one asked me out a-ron... i liked the attention so i said ya... but the james fortunato called and said that jared wanted to get bak with me... i didnt know wut to do so i called jenn and she told me to get bak with jared and dump a-ron or A-ronic now wuz pissed off at me and didnt wannna talk to me.... then i did and the thing is it turned me into something i wuznt... i wanted jared to be into me... and actually stay with me this time... and so i became a freak a leak cuz thats wut he liked.... then he wated to break up with me again... th is broke my heart again cuz he started to call me a bitch and a hoe and stuff like that and i didnt understand.... but then jj told me he did that so that i would break up with him... and so i did... broken hearted i wanted revenge and so i went out with jj (his best friend) and tore their friendship apart.... mean yes... but wut could i do i wuz mad and sooo depressed i would cry my eyes out every night...
then jenn told everyone that i callled her ugly and stupid... and she made me look like a bitch... and everyone started to not like me... we were on the basketball team and she told our team members that i said that the coach wouldnt let her play cuz she sucked and that i wuz way better at it so thats y he let me play every game... so the team would purposely be mean to me... throw stuff at me nd stuff.... then she turned the fob 5 agaiinst me... to the point where wen we were all walking in the hallway wen we reached a poll vickie tried to push me into it...one day jenn wuz cryin in the bathroom and i wuz very concerned so i ran to the bathroom i asked her y she wuz crying... and she told me amie krystle and vickie that her dad abused her.... and i wuz shocked i felt so bad for her.... she said she had bruises alll over her body and all over her legs.... and i felt so bad i told her to call me any time she felt he would beat her up and call me so i could run to her house even though she lived far walking distance... and that day we had a cross country meet... i came in fourth she came in 6th but told everyone she got fourth place... then i noticed there were no bruses on her legs... but thought nothing of it.... then that day after school she hit up my cell... and she sounded like she wuz gonna cry.... and i asked her wut wuz wrong and she said that her dad wuz about to beat her up and that if i ran over there he wouldnt beat her up infront of me... and so i lied to my mom and said that she needed heklp with her homework and so I RAN as fast as i could all the way to her house... i wuz so worried... she wuz there playing with her little cousin and she said ooo he just left... and so once again i thought nothing of it... and she told me to stay for a while.... and i did cuz i told my mom i wuz helpin her and didnt want to turn up home already .... and then about 30 mins later her boyfriend louie from faye ross came over ... and she told her grandma that he wuz my brother... so that he could stay.... thats wen i realised y she called me there.... not because she wuz gonna get hurt... but so that she could do stuff with her boyfriend... i wuz just there... with her lil cousin in the hallways waiting... while her nd louie were locked in her room doing god knows wut... i felt so used and mad... but didnt say anything cuz we were friends...then one day i had had enough of her lies about me and her ruining my rep and friendships with everyone....so on my b-day i invited lots of people to my birthday cept her... she heard about it and gave me a present so that i would feel bad and invite her... but i didnt... after people found out we werent best friends anymore ...grls from mary bragg confronted me and told me that jenn wuz like that with every bestfriend she had... they told me they didnt want to tell me cuz they knew i wouldnt believe them.... she made me seem like a bitch and that i can never get bak...
well my love life after jared wuz rock... i always wanted to have a boyfriend cuz i like the attention i got wen i did have one... everyone sayin OOO grl ur with so and sooo grl hes hot... then we'd have sum dramatic break up and i wuz left alone... again.... one memorable relationship i had wuz with brian lee...
i thought he wuz so nice and sweet cuz hed call me and buy me stuffed animals all the time...then came my birthday... he comes over bringing me a finding nemo dolland i thought that wuz sweet... we went into the bathroom cuz all my friends were there and i didnt want them to watch me nd my boyfriend making out....so we were making out in my bathroom wen he pulled out his dick... and i said no i just wanna kiss you the he said NO come on its ur birthday just suck it ... and i said now stop ...then he said do it come on.... and so i tried to push off of him but he grabbed my arms and it hurt... he pulled me close to him and i struggled so hard to break free... i wuz so scared.... then finally i pushed off and openend the dorr and yelled at him to get the fuck out of my house... then he put his pants on and got out... i stayed in the bathroom and started to cry... i cried only a little cuz my friends were outside and i didnt wanna tell them wut happend.... after that i felt so weird everytime someone got near me... i would freak out and yell at them to get away from me... i told donne wut wuz up and she told me that if it really botherd me i should tell someone... but i just couldnt...
another time this happend wuz with brian lee...i thought he really liked me... but apparently i wuz just his bitch... he would act like he really liked me but then wen his friends would come by hed throw my hand... and say no thats not my gf... but wen we were alone hed call me that...then one day he picked me up and we went to his house but he told me we were gonna go chill at ctc... then wen we got to his house we started to make out in his room... his friends were in the living room drinking.... then..............he took off my pants and then quickly put on a condom... and then ya.... it hurt i hated it... it made me scream and i wanted him off it hurt so bad......luckily his friend called him and he stopped... i left right away and wuz so confused... but he walked me home... and was very sweet to me again....and he kissed me goodbye and asked me to go to sadies with him... he paid for sadies and everything.... he took me but ignored me... all his friends were there but i wuz by myself... he left me alone and ignored me.... his friends were mean and made fun of me.. i wuz miserable.... he wouldnt hold my hand but then he would wen no one wuz looking.... then he wanted to go sit off to this area where no one was.. he wuz tired cuz he had work the next morning so we just sat together on a bench at knotts... i tried to kiss him but he ignored me and wuz silent... i asked him wuts wrong??he said "nothing"and so i just sat there with him... quiet..... after that night... he stopped talking to me.... i wuz devistated he took my virginity and then broke my heart... i wanted revenge...... but didnt know how to get it.... but i went out with tommy after that just cuz i needed someone.... i didnt really like him... but i had a broken heart and wuz tired of crying about the whole brian thing...cuz i cried about loosing my virginity for about id say 6 months everynight...before bed id cry myself to sleep...feeling so stupid.........
i got with tommy after just meeting him.... i didnt care i didnt know a thing about him... but i needed someone to get my mind off of the whole situation.... so i got with him....and i stopped crying every night cuz i had someone to talk to....everyone was saying i wouldnt last long with him...and they were right.... if they hadnt said that i would just break up with him withing 2 months i prolly would have.... but i wanted to prove them alll wrong ...and soooooo i stayed with him even though he was annoying and dorky..... i remember wanting to go out with julius... like really bad... he noticed me and started to flirt with me.... i liked it.... but then again couldnt dump tommy just out of nowhere not to mention after he started to talk to me tommy and eric got into a fight... i wuz PISSED OFF... not cuz they beat him up... he deserved that.... cuz he wuznt no crip i knew that lol he deserved that beating... well neways... i wuz pissed off cuz nick patel went up to me and laughed at me the next day so i cussed at him all pissed ... but wah ever thennn iono i knew i couldnt just break up with tommy cuz he wuznt bad to me at all and soooo i cheated on him... iono i didnt want it ne more...
i liked guys after that... mostly freshies... but never went out with them because of raden... he messed with my mind... he called me hung out with me flirted with me but stayed with his lil grlfriend... and i hated that... pissed me off and it wuznt worth it... cuz if a guy doesnt give up the grl they like for me then they aint worth it..
then after i started to like rob... love it u know the rst hes sexy we're together and we're gonna be for the rest of our lives... i feel so different about rob then i do neone else.....i love him and always will ... i cant live without him hes this specail part of me that i'll never be able to let go. HEs the love of my life and i cant be happier... im so glad i met him =)
the love i have for him makes all my past experiences nothing...even though at times i wuz hurt...and forced to do things... those things dont matter anymore because he loves me nd i love him...andddddddd I cant wait till we live to gether and get married... the day we get married... will most likely be the happiest day of my life... the other happiest dat of my life wus seeing leila for the first time and my first kiss with rob hehe that night wuz frikin the best.....i wuz so happy he finally wanted to kiss me because i've been wanting to kiss him ever since that day we ditched school and went to ronalds house... hahaha well im tired... so good nite!!!!!!!!
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