IT'S A BOY!!!

ya im a lil late on posting that we are indeed having a little boy!... I am so happy but at the same time I am so scared...

His name will be Ethan Allen Neeley... nd seriously i dont care what anyone says I think it is the cutest name ever. 

I'm really scared about everything. Even though this is my second child everything that happens is still kind of new to me. I'm scared about when ethan comes because well... I always knew I could handle a girl, and I always felt confident about raising a little girl... but a boy?? I don't know how to be a mom to a boy. I'm not as confident as I am with raising a girl. I just pray I do things right and don't mess up.

This is also a really scary experience for me because this is my second child. I don't know how I am going to handle both. And even though Allen helps me with lei... I always feel like I shouldn't have him take care of her too much becuase I feel baad. 

I'm never worried about Ethan.... becuase he has so many people to love him... I'm just worried about leila... that she'll feel left out. Even though I'm worried about her morre than ethan doesnt mean i am going to love her more. I promise that I will love both equally. 

Ohhhh ya i'm getting married to Allen this saat. on August 2nd, 2008...... cold feet? naw not at all... Sometimes I'm afraid that Allen will though....

now that I am further into the pregnancy ... my insecurities are getting the best of me. The thought of Allen leaving me comes to my mind more and more....Not becuase of anything that he does... its just cuz of the lack of things that I ccan do. 

He told me once that he told his co-workers that his plans after work is to go home and clean a little bit and make dinner... nd their reaction was kinda like.... why cant she do it... nd that made me feel so bad... so now i try as hard as i can to do finish things around the apartment. Its hard to get things done... i take a lot of breaks while cleaning.... its even hard for me to stand up and do the dishes... so if i want to get it done I have to put a chair next to the sink so I can make sure its done b4 allen gets home. Mentally its hard for me to do it... because I'm so tired... but the thought of Allen working hard all day is my motivation to get things done. 

I hate that allen has to pay for everything.... and as soon as I can work I will... but what constantly worries me is... where am I going to work?... When am I going to work? and where am I going to bring the kids when I go to work? and How am I going to get there??

babysitting costs so much and I don't want another thing on allen's shoulders to pay for... but If I work... I'll just basically be working to keep them in daycare... cuz its most likely 500 a month over here... nd since I have very little work experience I cant get a good job... cuz nowadays they want people with experience....so my whole paycheck would be going to daycare nd theres no point in that because the whole point in me working would be to help allen out... nd I know allen wouldnt want me to get two jobs.... but I will if I have to... theres no other way I can help him with everything if I only have one job. 

What I'm depending on is my psych tech program over at cypress... cuz psych techs get paid about 25 an hour...but I wont finish that for another year.... and I can't spend a whole nother year not working... so im going to have to figure out how I can work, take care of the kids, and go to school. I don't want Allen to stress over anything so I am going to have to figure it out on my own. He has enough on his shoulders... I dont want to add anything else. 

It might be easier when we move closer to the cerritos area because I know where everything is over there... 

only reason I can't get help over here for babysitting is because im not on the lease... and so i can't really proove my residency... I mean I'll still try... but I dont even know if the daycares here accept calworks or anything like that.... 

also... I don't know how long they care for the kids... cuz usually the day care ends at around school time... like 3.... unless I were to work from 7:30 till 3 then wait for allen to come home then work somemore.... 


I need to figure all of this out... but on my own... 

I know I will eventually get it... but i dont know...