gahh its so frustrating that I cant fall asleep....
its cuz so many things are going on in my head right now....
2morrow allena nd I are going to court to set a court date so allen can try to adopt leilani...
Im sooo scared... but the thing is even though im scared I know that I shouldnt be worried... I keep on taking the little details and totally blowing them up... aking them more important then what they really are...
Fact of the matter is that siince the moment leilani was born Robert hasnt supported her financially WUTSOEVER...
he attempted to take care of her on the weekends... but that failed after about 2 months ...
he didnt try... i mean if thats trying then i would hate to see what not trying would be.
He cant say it hurts him that he misses her... because I HURT when I missed her for a week when I went to hawaii... before I left I cried because I already began to miss her... so he has no room to say that him missing heer causes him pain cuz if it really hurt that bad.. he would do something about it...
Im afraid that the court will say that Allen and I have only been married for a few weeks..... but the thing is allen has cared for leilani like his own for about a year now.... why shouldnt he deserve to have her as his child.
All rob ever says is that he misses her.... but how can you seriously miss someone you dont know??... to me... I t hink that he just misses the THOUGHT of her... nd feels GUILTY about not being there... but the thing is... that isn't the same as missing her.
Leilani never called him daddy.... only whne I would ask her to repeat the word daddy would she call him daddy... but she didnt know wut it meant...
I pray that the lord will let allen adopt her...
I hope the lord isnt mad at me for the way I treated vanessa... if he is... im sorry... I have so many issues with her... because she doesnt deserve a lot of things... she definately doesnt deserve to be joshua's mother... he deserves waaayyy better then her.... nd If I had the ability to do so I would adopt him... but I cant... but i guess God wants me to humble my spirit and just pray for her...
she makes it so hard though... the way she talks... the decisions taht she makes... jsut makes me soooo angry at her for being so stupid... if this is a test from God... id say it would have to be one of the hardest tests ever... so hard.. im afraid I already failed... God has blessed me... and I should be stupid about vanessa.. and I should pray that one day she will be blessed by the lord as well... Lord please help me not to be annoyed by her... help me remember that she is just a lost soul that needs help... and that I shouldnt yell at her or make fun of her... lord forgive me... for I have sinned against you because of the many things I said about your daughter vanessa. Help her to have the ability to make wize decisions.... help her to become a mother to joshua...
there is a reason for everything... and a reason why God chose 2morrow for me and allen to go to court to start the case...
i just pray that it doesnt become as complicated as the lawyer on the phone made it out to be....
Lord please be with us...
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