another one gone

i gave reason after reason after reason of y i didnt want to be with allen... 

but wen krystle was talking to me about allen.... my heart was sad i wuznt with him at that moment... nd then that night wen i went to bed i started to think about him nd how i really wanted to give it another go..

nd i wuz really happy today... nd i decided to text him telling him i wanted to talk about us tonight....he sed he missed me too... nd then he called me a little while after... telling me his ex gf is pregnant...

nd it just surprised me so much i had nothing to say.....

this always happens to me though ryte... thats me... thats my life....

i always wonder wen is it my turn to be happy?? or wuz my time being happy over??

is that one year with rob the only happiness im meant to have for a very long time??

how do u deal with all of this...

how do i say that another guy has walked out of my life...

how do i explain to my mom that im alone again...

im alone again....

i have my friends...

but once again... im on my own...

no one to love or hold or kiss or think about...

not in a romantinc way ne ways...

i have leila to hug nd kiss nd hold.. but wen she gets older... i dont have her ne more... 
she wont need mommy anymore... and wen shes off there I am... alone without a love in this world...

and this is life... this is reality... i used to wonder how people could live like this... but now i know that sometimes its not always ur fault that life turns out so horrible... and even though u know its not ur fault u still blame yourself for everything... u keep wondering... well if i had done this... or done that.... then maybe it would be different..

maybe just maybe it wuld have... but maybe thats not what God has planned for you... nd i keep thinking in my head that God has some guy out there for me... some terrific wonderful guy that is going to love both me nd leila and want to marry me nd i will want to marry ... 

i keep on hoping nd wishing that God will allow me to find him soon... nd that i will be happy and get married within a few more years.

me nd josh are hangin out 2morrow... to get my mind off of things.... josh is awesome..