finally

I'm married!!!... what does it feel like?? feels the same as not being married haha...

no but its changed a few things about me though...

i wanted to cry when allen was saying his vows to me.. especially the part where he said that I would be the only one or something like that.... cuz well my trust issues with him... its not that I dont trust him... its the fact that i believe anything is possible that makes me scared I might loose him like that... 

When he cheated on me with charise... it just burt a whole in my heart ... nd even though the whole is somewhat fixed... the scars are still there... 

I dont like thinking about it... but when I do I think...WHY? Is "because he jusst wasn't thinking" ot " becuase hes a guy"... or because" all he seriously wanted was sex" really a ligit reason... because to me... if those reasons are ligit... then it can happen again... and again.. and again...

they say that once a cheater always a cheater.... I dont believe that in certain cases... because I was a cheater... but I'm not a cheater anymore... to me its more like... once you cheat on the person your with... the more likely you'll do it again...

its kind of like how we sin against God... We can be as sincere as we want wen we apologize to him for the sin... but most people.. when confronted with that sin again.. will end up doing it over and over.. 

like... thieves... you don't become a thief till that first time you steal... usually theives start out little... prolly saying... "ok just this once... because I need it"... then when opportunity comes to steal something of more value... because they got away with it the first time... they feel a little better about taking the risk... then the stealing gets worse and worse.... but if they hadn't tried from the begining... then it would have never happend... 

when we got married... my heart was a little bit more at ease... I still worry... but not as much as before... and to me.. thats better then nothing... 

so I have learned to trust allen more since we got married...

another thing that changed in me... is the fact that when I used to go on roberts myspace I would just feel so much anger... and hatred when I would look at it....

It would hurt... not because I care for him... but because of the fact that people act like he's such a wonderful guy... and i used to get so heated that I wasn't given glory for everything that I had to go through.. that these stupid people around him didnt know that he was an asswhole to me.... I hated seeing his stupid car and his stupid friends... because.... in the bottom of my heart I wanted him to be miserable for what he did to me... 

but now that I am married... I don't think I care as much... I'm not as angry... because I know me and leila are happier now... and that