almost admitting defeat

i am having a really hard time right now...

i guess i only choose to really write in here whne things are going bad...

i got into a fight with my dad today which started off my whole day bad...

it got so bad that i almost decided to call robert and beg him to help me out...but im kind of glad i didnt... because doing that is showing robert weekness and i dont want to do that..

i understand robert a little better now though.... i understand how he cant have feelings for me no matter how gud i wuz to him...

josh is one of the coolest friends i have... i can just open up to him and everything... im going to post our aim convo so you know wut we talked about...

joshmandap (3:23:56 PM): whats wrong my friend

Auto Response from valvalmadaldal (3:23:59 PM): wut do u do wen ur world is falling apart right before you?? do u admit defeat and run to the only one who can help...even though u know they wont help.... do u tackle it frm a psychological point of view like i always do or do i pray like theres no tomorrow...

valvalmadaldal (3:24:24 PM): everything
joshmandap (3:24:57 PM): you need to talk about it
valvalmadaldal (3:25:28 PM): i try to play strong... all the time... nd most of the time I am a really strong positive person
valvalmadaldal (3:25:59 PM): but im starting to break down and realize how crazy my dreams actually are
joshmandap (3:26:12 PM): i know what you mean
joshmandap (3:26:26 PM): i kinda went through a small episode recently
joshmandap (3:26:42 PM): so what made you just crack
valvalmadaldal (3:26:54 PM): me nd my dad fighting...
joshmandap (3:26:59 PM): ah i c
valvalmadaldal (3:27:02 PM): i realized i cant stay here
valvalmadaldal (3:27:15 PM): i cant expect to stay here until i finish my education
joshmandap (3:27:15 PM): ?
valvalmadaldal (3:27:28 PM): i realized i cant handle being a mother
valvalmadaldal (3:27:41 PM): i realized that i need roberts help
valvalmadaldal (3:27:52 PM): i almost called him this morning to beg him to help me out
valvalmadaldal (3:28:02 PM): but i didnt because i didnt want to show weekness
valvalmadaldal (3:28:10 PM): i dont want t show him im breaking
valvalmadaldal (3:28:16 PM): but i really am
joshmandap (3:28:35 PM): im so sorry
valvalmadaldal (3:28:51 PM): its ok... i just dont know wut to do nemore
valvalmadaldal (3:28:59 PM): and to be honest i dont know about me and allen
valvalmadaldal (3:29:05 PM): nd thats been on my mind for a while
valvalmadaldal (3:29:17 PM): like its not that i dont like him
valvalmadaldal (3:29:20 PM): i really do...
valvalmadaldal (3:29:46 PM): its just i dont have time to focuss on a relationship when i have all these pressures on me
valvalmadaldal (3:29:57 PM): wen we started to talk thats wen i started to slack off
joshmandap (3:30:14 PM): ah i see
valvalmadaldal (3:30:34 PM): and i can only handle 3 classes if i dont have a relationship
valvalmadaldal (3:30:57 PM): i mean one of my professors asked to talk to me
valvalmadaldal (3:31:16 PM): she wanted to know wut wuz going one with me
valvalmadaldal (3:31:30 PM): she wanted to know why i wuz slowly slipping
valvalmadaldal (3:31:35 PM): i explained to her my life
valvalmadaldal (3:31:56 PM): i explained how i not only take care of lei but i take care of my nephew and i clean the house and cook for them
valvalmadaldal (3:32:22 PM): i stay up sometimes all night nd get 2 hours of sleep just so i can get my assignments done
valvalmadaldal (3:33:08 PM): i cant drive... but its a good thing because i take the bus home from school and that 5 min ride is all i really have that keeps me sane
valvalmadaldal (3:33:33 PM): in those five mins i remind myself of my goals
valvalmadaldal (3:33:39 PM): i remind my self where i want to be
valvalmadaldal (3:33:49 PM): nd then wen i go home its chaos once again
valvalmadaldal (3:34:03 PM): the kids running around and my dad yelling at me
valvalmadaldal (3:34:48 PM): my insecurites of how i look build up everyday... i constantly find myself trying to make sure im pritier then roberts gf
valvalmadaldal (3:35:09 PM): i constantly try to make myself desirable to men because all my life thats the one attention ive ever gotten
valvalmadaldal (3:35:47 PM): wen guys try to holla at me for some twisted reason it makes me feel so good inside even though i know all they think of me is just as a sexual object
joshmandap (3:36:16 PM): val
valvalmadaldal (3:36:29 PM): on a subconcious level i dont think im worth anything because i noticed the guys i go crazy for are theone that treat me like shit
joshmandap (3:36:34 PM): im so sorry that you need that to get by
valvalmadaldal (3:37:27 PM): im breaking down .... nd people constantly judge me... constantly judge my mothering skills ... who i am as a whole... and i know i shouldnt care... but wen u hear the same things over nd over it really starts to sink in
joshmandap (3:37:48 PM): i know exactly how you mean
joshmandap (3:38:37 PM): i would tell you to take the path of apathy, but in the best interest of your daughteri suggest 
valvalmadaldal (3:38:42 PM): nd my thoughts tday... were all about running away... i kept thinking "i need to run i dont know where but i need to run" cuz running takes me away from all this thats y i used to be a runner... i ran ... anywhere just to not feel
valvalmadaldal (3:39:14 PM): i know... nd wen i look at her... i feel love ... but i also feel really bad
valvalmadaldal (3:39:18 PM): she didnt deserve this
valvalmadaldal (3:39:32 PM): she didnt deserve to not have a full family
valvalmadaldal (3:39:54 PM): she deserves to have a life with stability
joshmandap (3:40:04 PM): to just care for
valvalmadaldal (3:40:05 PM): she deserves a mother that can provide for her
joshmandap (3:40:05 PM): her
joshmandap (3:40:35 PM): you can provide her
valvalmadaldal (3:40:47 PM): i think i like psychology cuz thats the way i help myself
valvalmadaldal (3:41:09 PM): my old psychologist once sed that im my own psychologist
valvalmadaldal (3:41:27 PM): she sed shes hardly ever seen that before... but thought it wuz really cool
joshmandap (3:41:39 PM): haha
joshmandap (3:41:41 PM): cool
joshmandap (3:41:48 PM): i wish someone said that for me
joshmandap (3:41:56 PM): you should not care about guys
valvalmadaldal (3:42:24 PM): i know i shouldnt.. but for sum reason i associate their attention with great happiness
valvalmadaldal (3:42:46 PM): nd their desire for me sexually as a sort of power
valvalmadaldal (3:42:51 PM): i know that sounds weird
joshmandap (3:42:51 PM): you shouldnt
joshmandap (3:43:09 PM): its not weird
joshmandap (3:43:11 PM): its normal
valvalmadaldal (3:43:21 PM): i know nd wen i think to myself about it i try to figure out y... y it makes me so happy
joshmandap (3:43:23 PM): but i think its something you should do
valvalmadaldal (3:43:29 PM): cuz oonce i figure that out maybe i can break it
valvalmadaldal (3:54:34 PM): iono josh... all i know is i need a break from reality... even if its just an hour i need to get away from it all
joshmandap (3:55:53 PM): you busy monday?
valvalmadaldal (3:56:11 PM): lol school
joshmandap (3:56:23 PM): till what time
valvalmadaldal (3:56:32 PM): 2
valvalmadaldal (3:56:41 PM): well technically 1
joshmandap (3:57:07 PM): then ill help you otu with your break
valvalmadaldal (3:57:19 PM): okie dokie 
valvalmadaldal (3:57:31 PM): =)
joshmandap (3:57:40 PM): cuzi k now what you mean
joshmandap (3:57:48 PM): you know what you need?
joshmandap (3:57:58 PM): you need to play some halo
joshmandap (3:58:00 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (3:58:03 PM): hahahahaha
valvalmadaldal (3:58:07 PM): i think soo
valvalmadaldal (3:58:09 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:58:11 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:58:43 PM): o yah
joshmandap (3:58:50 PM): you know that pic you commented
valvalmadaldal (3:58:55 PM): uh huh
joshmandap (3:58:57 PM): it was a funday
joshmandap (3:59:02 PM): so not really sad
valvalmadaldal (3:59:04 PM): i figured
joshmandap (3:59:06 PM): we were posing
valvalmadaldal (3:59:05 PM): lol
joshmandap (3:59:06 PM): haha
valvalmadaldal (3:59:17 PM): like at first i thought... awww how sad
valvalmadaldal (3:59:18 PM): nd then
valvalmadaldal (3:59:44 PM): i saw ... i think thats ur bro... that looked like he wuz... a lil OA... nd u.... u looked like u were posing nd ready
joshmandap (4:00:05 PM): oa?
valvalmadaldal (4:00:08 PM): over acting
valvalmadaldal (4:00:09 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:00:12 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:00:21 PM): o no he just had his head down
valvalmadaldal (4:00:28 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (4:01:03 PM): my dad always jokes that wen my mom doesnt cook dinner we'll just head over to forest lawn... nd eat there
valvalmadaldal (4:01:04 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:01:15 PM): yoshinowa?
valvalmadaldal (4:01:27 PM): nooo cuz there are always filipinos with food there
valvalmadaldal (4:01:37 PM): he sed to just say ur realated to Boy
valvalmadaldal (4:01:39 PM): LOL 
valvalmadaldal (4:01:47 PM): cuz theres a tito boy in every family
joshmandap (4:02:22 PM): lol
joshmandap (4:02:23 PM): hahaha
valvalmadaldal (4:02:43 PM): i wuz like ewww... id only do that if i were homeless
joshmandap (4:02:58 PM): lol
valvalmadaldal (4:03:58 PM): omg leila is cracking UPPPP... her laugh always makes me calm down a bit
joshmandap (4:05:02 PM): lol
valvalmadaldal (4:05:12 PM): u know ive never admited the whole guys nd my sexuallity thing b4... i always thought it... but never accepted that thats really wut im doing
joshmandap (4:05:42 PM): well im glad you admitted it to me
joshmandap (4:05:45 PM): 
joshmandap (4:05:56 PM): when you tell me stuff like that it makes me happy
valvalmadaldal (4:06:22 PM): haha meee toooo .... iono i just have an easier time telling u things 
valvalmadaldal (4:06:25 PM): iono Y but i do
valvalmadaldal (4:07:04 PM): i think its cuz i think we think kinda alike
valvalmadaldal (4:07:06 PM): thats y
joshmandap (4:07:23 PM): yah

this one convo.... helped me a lot today